Mom Peeve #13 What to expect from every idiot out there after you're done expecting.

Mom Peeve # 13 There is the book in my head, What Every Moron is Expecting after you'r done Expecting. 

Most moms will come into contact with the book, What to Expect when You're Expecting. There are a series of the these books for what to expect the first year, second year, etc. But there's NOT a book about what everyone else expects of YOU. I thought I'd take a moment to share 10 of these expectations:

1. Expect that people will tell you, "You look so gorgeous!" In you hospital photos minutes after a baby came out of your body. While this is sweet, you and I both know you look like a hot mess.
2. Expect that people will tell you your baby is gorgeous in photos that were taken minutes after your baby came out of your body. While this is also sweet and you love your baby, you and I both know he looks like a cross between a pug and an old person at the moment. 
3. Expect that people will ask you many times over, "How are you feeling?" Well, a baby just literally dove out of my body so...
4. Expect that people will ask, "Is he/she sleeping through the night?" two weeks after you are home. Expect that you might want to respond, "No you idiot, she's not. Thanks for reminding me how little sleep I am getting."
5. Expect that some people will say, "You look tired." Uh, yeah. That's because I AM tired. I sleep in 3 hour stretches. Thanks! Captain Obvious. 
6. Expect that people may want to bring you meals. While this definitely can be a wonderful thing, expect that you might eat the best lasagna of your life, and the worst lasagna of your life, and that you will eat lasagna at least 3 times. 
7. Expect that old ladies you don't know will touch your babies hand, and even be so ballsy as to kiss your baby when you are in public. Be on guard for the granny swoop in.
8. Expect that at least one person will ask when you are due...while you are holding your 3 month old baby. To which you will reply, "Well, I was due 3 months ago, and here's the baby that came out."
9. Expect that lots of people will ask you when you're out and about, "Awe. How old is he?" To which you will reply the age, to which they will blankly stare at you and then the awkward moment will end. Its like people have the internal need to ask how old babies and puppies are and that's it.
10. And now my absolute favorite: Expect that people will want to know if and when you will be "expecting" in the future. Expect that people will want to know if you will be having more children literally hours after you expanded your family. Expect that this question will come in a variety of flavors: 

"So you guys think you're gonna try for a boy?"

"Now you have 2 boys and a girl, are you gonna try for one more to make them even?"

"So do you think you guys are done?"

"Are you guys gonna keep going?"

"So do you think you'll have another?"

Seriously people. SERIOUSLY. I have been asked this question on more than one occasion. Uh, I'd like to at least let my uterus contract back to a normal size first if that's ok with you. With my last child I remember being asked when she was just a week old if we were gonna "try for one more." Hehehe! No idiot! We are not going to "try for one more" right now, do you see the tiny newborn in my hands? I think I'm set for a while.

I always wonder what people would say if I simply replied, "Well to be quite frank, my lady parts are on fire right now, I'm not looking to land anything in there any time soon. And after I do get accustomed to this new sleep deprivation and my lady parts are healed, and I'm back in the saddle, I don't even know when I'll start ovulating again. I'll be sure to let you know when my menstrual cycle returns and if I decide if I want to intentionally try to get pregnant when my husband and I have intercourse. Hope that's thorough enough for you. Thanks for asking.  

Mom Peeve #6: STOP asking.

Mom Peeve #6: The epidemic that has spread throughout the country where every person and his or her mother (literally) think it is their right as a humans and US citizens to inappropriately ask if you are PREGNANT.

Apparently pregnancy is the answer, reason, excuse, and explanation for everything. If you eat an interesting food combination that others completely find repulsing you hear it, "Are you PREGNANT?" If you feel bitchy or emotional or tired you hear it, "Are YOU pregnant?" If you scratch your belly or cough funny you hear it, "ARE YOU PREGNANT!" You greet your friend with "Hi," instead of your usual, "hello," and you must be pregnant. Seriously, what other explanation could there be for liking chocolate covered bacon? You MUST be pregnant! There is nothing more annoying than being asked this question when you are NOT pregnant. And there is also nothing more annoying, than being asked this question when you ARE pregnant!

The, "ARE YOU PREGNANT?" epidemic crosses conversational boundaries and shows poor Q and A etiquette. It might actually be on the "top 10" list of most inappropriate questions asked by human beings. Now I know some people might be thinking, "What is wrong with that question? Its harmless?" You're right, asking about someone's possible procreation is probably not harmful-just a headache, a pain in the ass, annoying, frustrating and stupid.

Harsh? NO. You see, that litte "+" sign on the prego test, evokes a realm of emotions, mostly good, manic, happy, crazy emotions; but sometimes not such enthusiastic emotions. Regardless of the evoked emotions, the new Prego will make her grand announcement to the world when she so chooses. She may announce it to every single person she meets, literally 5 mins after that little "+" sign appears. She may use a blow horn, or bounce into every room she enters announcing the news in a song. Or, she may choose to wait a bit. She may feel cautious and want to take time. She may decide she wants to chill and let it all sink in. She might just want to wait before she makes her grand proclamation for a wide range or reasons (use your imagination).

So back off! If you didn't hear it through the grapevine or see "baby on board" on her t shirt, or hear the words come out of her mouth, then she's probably NOT pregnant-or she does not really want you to know. Either way, don't ask.

Now if we are talking your BFF, or your sister, or whoever that you have VIP status with, these rules do not apply to you. Of course VIP status provides an exception to the rule because VIPS have no rules! However, lowly acquaintances, surface level friends, mid level friends, mere citizens, illegal aliens, co-workers, and strangers must abide by the rules.

And NO, I am NOT pregnant.

Mom Peeve #5: What happened to the bad and the ugly?

When fellow moms only talk about the good. Can we get a little more bad and ugly please?

As you know by now, I like to reference my time spent in "Pregnancy I and II." I entered the hospital two separate times as a prego and walked out a new mommy. I took two tiny bundles of cuteness home, with perfectly shaped heads, wearing adorable "going home" outfits. But before leaving the hospital, I learned new and exciting things. I learned about disposable underwear. I used the largest maxi pads ever created. I put ice packs in places I never knew icepacks could go. I developed a new definition for "frontal flashing" while nurses checked out the "situation" down below. I learned that when your "milk comes in," it does not do so calmly and quietly. It breaks down the door of those milk ducts and says, "Here I am bitches!" I got a glimpse at a life with breast implants the size of regulation size footballs. All these delightful lessons made up my initiation into "motherhood" and saluted me in my first 48 hours as a new mom. I don't recall any of those delightful lessons being referenced before I entered the hospital by the seasoned mom community. Instead it was something like, "Just wait until you see your baby's face for the first time!" Yea, that was great and all...it was amazing to see my baby's face for the first time...but could I have gotten a little more heads up on the rest ladies?


During time spent in the "Pregnancy I," I heard over and over again, "You are going to just LOVE being a mom!" I don't recall hearing, "You are just going to LOVE the ice packs they give you in the hospital for your crotch!" In all seriousness, I did love the crotch packs.


Of course I love being a mom. But can we get real for a second here ladies? I love talking about the real deal of pregnancy, motherhood, and kids. I love talking about the insanity of childbirth-particularly my insanity, the things that suck, annoying stuff, the crazy, messy, chaos of being a mom.


I am intrigued that every woman who is the proud owner of children has most likely birthed some babies, experienced actual childbirth, and spent many nights entirely sleep deprived and crazy. Yet there are moms walking amongst other moms feeling alone, guilty, beat up, like they are the only ones who aren't thrilled about sleeping in 3 hour segments with a newborn, like they are the only ones with a newborn that's pissed to be out of the womb, like they are the only one with a house that gets trashed, or the only ones wearing yoga pants all day, everyday. I am here to tell you that I love being a mom. But I HATED waking up every three hours to feed my adorable baby. My baby number 2 was pissed at the world for a good 4.5 months and that sucked. My children have the ability to trash the living room faster than an actual tornado. And I proudly wear a large collection of yoga pants most days.


Bottom line: Let's get a little more real here. Everybody knows that babies are cute, there's no love like the love you feel for your children, childbirth is a miracle, and that you are going to just LOVE being a mom. Not everyone knows about the disposable panties, what happens when a baby goes #2 for the first time in the hospital, how insane you will be feeling during the sleep deprivation months, and how nursing takes some practice.

For real.

Mom Peeve #4: Touching bellies that don't belong to you.

Mom Peeve #4: People that forget their kindergarten manners.

Pregnant ladies, puppies, and babies-what do these three have in common? People lose all common sense when in the company of one or more of the above.

Everyday you engage with strangers at the grocery store, walking to work, running errands, eating in restaurants, etc. Everyday you keep your hands to yourself. Everyday that is, until a prego walks into the room. Everyone wants to rub her belly like a lucky charm. People reach out as they boldly, and inappropriately ask, "When are you due?" Or better yet sometimes they preface this question with, "Wow! You're huge!" Do NOT do this. Rubbing prego bellies, and touching tiny baby hands that inevitably will be going into tiny baby mouths with your germy stranger hands is not ok! VIP belly touchers do exist, but chances are, you are not on the VIP list of the pregnant lady you small talked with in line at Target. Belly touching etiquette 101 states that "it is inappropriate to touch pregnant bellies, unless the Prego herself invites you to feel the bump, the baby kicking, or rub her belly for good luck."

In a previous life I taught small children. One of our class rules included, "keep your hands in your own space." Violators often partook in tapping, pinching, tickling, pushing, or a plain lack of spacial boundaries. It would not surprise me to learn that these early childhood spacial violators grew up to be prego/baby space violators.

Bottom line: Kindergarten rules still apply, they do not expire: Do not interrupt, respect others, treat others like you would like to be treated, and please keep your hands in your own space.

Mom Peeve #3: Half naked pregnant lady.

Mom Peeve #3: The prego who likes the bump flash a little too much...

First, let me say, I LOVE pregos. I am a veteran of "The Pregnancy I and II." I adore pregos with their cute little baby bumps. I empathize with the slow, sweaty, swollen waddling women, and I feel the pain of the ready to burst "to be mommies."And I REALLY feel the pain of the birthing mamas!

I love a good "look at me grow" flip book via facebook or whatever as much as the next lover of babies and moms. I myself, have created such a facebook album. Its all fine and dandy when you give us the profile shot, but when you hike that shirt up to your boobs to expose the largest belly most people will ever see shooting straight out over the top of the maternity jeans, its just too much. Too much naked, too much belly, too much! And when your belly button is doing freaky things, now you're just scaring people. Its not your fault, but all your facebook friends might like to see that massive bump inside your cutest motherhood top instead. All that naked is a little much at 20 weeks, a little more at 30, but 40 weeks + 2 days, and that's a LOT of skin. I remember scaring myself in the mirror when I was 40 weeks.

Before you get worked up, I truly believe a growing baby inside a mom to be amazing. But when your belly expands to the size of half your body, that's a whole lotta naked you're throwing out there!

So take your glowing, growing mama shots all you like, but keep your shirts on please, at least in public. If you need that naked belly shot with your husband's arms wrapped around you making a heart shape with his hands over your belly, fine. But after that, let's keep the shirts on. Actually this proves a great life lesson for all women pregnant and not. Let's keep the public nudity to a minimum.