Mom Peeve #9: The mom who refuses to trim her garden...and takes it to the public pool.
Deforestation is greatly needed at the public pool. No, I am not talking about the rainforests and I am not suggesting we cut down all the trees surrounding the public pool. I am talking personal hygiene here people. I am talking "deforesting" your body, particularly the regions of your body that might require a sensor bar due to a lack of grooming on your part.
I am sorry to be harping on the public pool again. Actually, I am not harping on the pool, you see the public pool and me, we're all good. The people AT the pool, in public, we are not so good. Let's get right to it. I'm at the public pool yesterday and a mom sits down next to me, and not just any mom. This mom looked as if she had not shaved her legs since 1973, and in the meantime, sprinkled miracle grow on those legs for maximum hair growth. Dark black hairy legs, hairier than any man's at the pool that day, possibly Guinness Book worthy. I immediately turned away in horror, but took a double take, and triple take, and so on.
I am by no means the shave police. I don't shave my legs every singe day, and sometimes a full week goes by in between shaves-gasp! I'm not about to issue any tickets or blow my life guard whistle from back in the day for minor shave infractions. Now I know you might be thinking, "Who cares? Some women don't shave their legs, whatever." Ok, I will give you that. I would prefer women in bathing suits not look like they are wearing velcro legwarmers, but some people like a little static electricity when they enter the pool. If that's where this story ended I would end my rant.
Oh, but the rant goes on. The situation at hand, not exactly a minor infraction. For when the Velcro Violator stood up, she looked like she had the Amazon Rainforest growing from...well I think you know what I am getting at...down under, in her Australia. OK, now I have a major problem, because a minor deforestation-or lack of deforestation issue, now turned into a grooming/hygiene issue.
Now I don't want to beat a dead horse here, or wave electric razors or hedge trimmers around wildly. I'll just leave you with this reminder: Nobody wants to see anybody with a very hairy Australia at the pool.
Showing posts with label manners. Show all posts
Showing posts with label manners. Show all posts
Jun 26, 2009
Mom Peeve #8: PS-The public pool is PUBLIC!
Mom Peeve #8: Puking at the pool is not ok. Getting back into the pool after puking, is a crime punishable by banishment from all community pools forever!
Floating bandaids, hair, and unidentified objects are a MUST in every public pool. I mean, what do you expect when you get a random assortment of members of a community, take off most of their clothes, revealing more skin than you ever desired to see on many individuals, and throw them in a big bowel of water together?
The public pool is a fascinating beast. Everyone knows kids pee in the public pool. You like to live in denial and tell yourself the chlorine automatically zaps pee and annihilates it. Let's just keep believing that. Occasionally you see a kid with nachos on his face come barreling into the pool. Gross. Or you witness the sweatiest, hairiest dad of the day lunge into the pool, thus rinsing off and feeling quite refreshed, while you are left feeling quite the opposite. I confess I rarely rinse off before I get in the pool. Even though everyone in the universe knows you are supposed to take a "full shower" before you immerse your body into the community summer sanctuary, I think approximately 1% of pool goers actually abide by this unenforced rule.
So here's the thing, I get that the public pool is the water "melting pot" of the town. The public pool takes "community" to the max. However, there are some limits you must acknowledge as a US citizen and community pool participant. Seriously, your citizenship and pool membership should be revoked if you do not abide by certain unspoken rules.
I did not envision myself "peeving" this particular post, but today's public pool experience presented a necessity for just this post. Today, at approximately 12:45 pm, a very large woman, threw up a very large quantity of puke, covering a very large quantity of space-including a patch of the cement roughly 15 ft from the pool's edge, a flower bush, my friend's foot, and part of her daughter's foot. Sick. Sadly, I did not actually witness this public etiquette violation, as it was relayed to me by my friend, the "puked on" victim. Disgusting? Yes. Unfortunate? Yes. An accident? Yes. While being grossed out, I sympathized for the unfortunate Puker. However, my sympathy immediately vanished as the Public Puker waded herself right back into the pool! This I witnessed, first hand. In disbelief and confusion I stared at this woman hoping she would receive my message via ESP requesting her to evacuate. She did not get the message.
I felt violated. I felt like screaming, "VIOLATION! VIOLATION!" This is NOT OK public pool etiquette. If you puke in public, at the pool, on people please refrain from resuming any and all pool activities. If you feel this request to be unreasonable you can take it up with me via email or we can take it outside.
Floating bandaids, hair, and unidentified objects are a MUST in every public pool. I mean, what do you expect when you get a random assortment of members of a community, take off most of their clothes, revealing more skin than you ever desired to see on many individuals, and throw them in a big bowel of water together?
The public pool is a fascinating beast. Everyone knows kids pee in the public pool. You like to live in denial and tell yourself the chlorine automatically zaps pee and annihilates it. Let's just keep believing that. Occasionally you see a kid with nachos on his face come barreling into the pool. Gross. Or you witness the sweatiest, hairiest dad of the day lunge into the pool, thus rinsing off and feeling quite refreshed, while you are left feeling quite the opposite. I confess I rarely rinse off before I get in the pool. Even though everyone in the universe knows you are supposed to take a "full shower" before you immerse your body into the community summer sanctuary, I think approximately 1% of pool goers actually abide by this unenforced rule.
So here's the thing, I get that the public pool is the water "melting pot" of the town. The public pool takes "community" to the max. However, there are some limits you must acknowledge as a US citizen and community pool participant. Seriously, your citizenship and pool membership should be revoked if you do not abide by certain unspoken rules.
I did not envision myself "peeving" this particular post, but today's public pool experience presented a necessity for just this post. Today, at approximately 12:45 pm, a very large woman, threw up a very large quantity of puke, covering a very large quantity of space-including a patch of the cement roughly 15 ft from the pool's edge, a flower bush, my friend's foot, and part of her daughter's foot. Sick. Sadly, I did not actually witness this public etiquette violation, as it was relayed to me by my friend, the "puked on" victim. Disgusting? Yes. Unfortunate? Yes. An accident? Yes. While being grossed out, I sympathized for the unfortunate Puker. However, my sympathy immediately vanished as the Public Puker waded herself right back into the pool! This I witnessed, first hand. In disbelief and confusion I stared at this woman hoping she would receive my message via ESP requesting her to evacuate. She did not get the message.
I felt violated. I felt like screaming, "VIOLATION! VIOLATION!" This is NOT OK public pool etiquette. If you puke in public, at the pool, on people please refrain from resuming any and all pool activities. If you feel this request to be unreasonable you can take it up with me via email or we can take it outside.
Jun 22, 2009
Mom Peeve #7: Shut the F. up!
Mom Peeve #7: The mom that needs her mouth washed out with soap...
Shut the f*&% up! Harsh? Yes. I would never shout that at you let alone my kid. Admittedly, I have never actually heard a mother spout that exact phrase. However, "You're ass is grass!!!" does ring a bell. I feel like it was just yesterday that I was laying out by the pool while mullet mom shouted those beautiful rhyming words across the pool at her son. Not only was his ass about to be grass-quite a puzzling process-but his mother also instructed him to "shut [his] pie hole!" Classy and sassy.
I thought I'd bring things down a notch to a peeve I feel we can all-well at least 90% of us-agree upon: Cussing at kids. Some people do, in fact, cuss, swear, whatever you want to call it, AT their kids. These kids in turn go to school and teach your kids new and exciting words and phrases to expand vocabularies. Thanks Sailor mouth mom for that contribution to my kids education. Maybe you can teach my kids about sex in a crass and crude way as well.
Now I don't cuss at my kids in public or private because I am better than these people. Just kidding! Well, not really, but I don't cuss at my kids, because I find it rude, mean, inappropriate, harmful, and ignorant. I am betting that you agree with me, and also feel like you are better than sailor mouth mom-you are probably right. Just kidding, we are all moms rowing this mother f-ing boat together, or whatever...
Seriously, the public cussing needs to stop. The private cussing at your kids should probably stop too, but lets tackle one swear word at a time. I have a love-hate relationship with Walmart. Actually, its more like a mostly hate relationship due to its "black hole-like" qualities. There seems to be an above average amount of parental cussing that occurs in "Wally World," otherwise known as "What the F World," for some kids. "Get your ass back over here!"appears to be the most popular phrase, followed by some God Ds," "S*%$ bombs," and "What the hells." There's nothing like seeing a mom yelling at AND cussing out her 5 year old. Special, dysfunctional, and memorable.
There's really not much more to say besides shut the hell up Sailor mouth mom. Stop cussing at your kid! Its rude to your kids, its rude to me and my kids, and its rude to the English language. I am serious when I say, WTF. Give it a rest.
Shut the f*&% up! Harsh? Yes. I would never shout that at you let alone my kid. Admittedly, I have never actually heard a mother spout that exact phrase. However, "You're ass is grass!!!" does ring a bell. I feel like it was just yesterday that I was laying out by the pool while mullet mom shouted those beautiful rhyming words across the pool at her son. Not only was his ass about to be grass-quite a puzzling process-but his mother also instructed him to "shut [his] pie hole!" Classy and sassy.
I thought I'd bring things down a notch to a peeve I feel we can all-well at least 90% of us-agree upon: Cussing at kids. Some people do, in fact, cuss, swear, whatever you want to call it, AT their kids. These kids in turn go to school and teach your kids new and exciting words and phrases to expand vocabularies. Thanks Sailor mouth mom for that contribution to my kids education. Maybe you can teach my kids about sex in a crass and crude way as well.
Now I don't cuss at my kids in public or private because I am better than these people. Just kidding! Well, not really, but I don't cuss at my kids, because I find it rude, mean, inappropriate, harmful, and ignorant. I am betting that you agree with me, and also feel like you are better than sailor mouth mom-you are probably right. Just kidding, we are all moms rowing this mother f-ing boat together, or whatever...
Seriously, the public cussing needs to stop. The private cussing at your kids should probably stop too, but lets tackle one swear word at a time. I have a love-hate relationship with Walmart. Actually, its more like a mostly hate relationship due to its "black hole-like" qualities. There seems to be an above average amount of parental cussing that occurs in "Wally World," otherwise known as "What the F World," for some kids. "Get your ass back over here!"appears to be the most popular phrase, followed by some God Ds," "S*%$ bombs," and "What the hells." There's nothing like seeing a mom yelling at AND cussing out her 5 year old. Special, dysfunctional, and memorable.
There's really not much more to say besides shut the hell up Sailor mouth mom. Stop cussing at your kid! Its rude to your kids, its rude to me and my kids, and its rude to the English language. I am serious when I say, WTF. Give it a rest.
Jun 18, 2009
Mom Peeve #6: STOP asking.
Mom Peeve #6: The epidemic that has spread throughout the country where every person and his or her mother (literally) think it is their right as a humans and US citizens to inappropriately ask if you are PREGNANT.
Apparently pregnancy is the answer, reason, excuse, and explanation for everything. If you eat an interesting food combination that others completely find repulsing you hear it, "Are you PREGNANT?" If you feel bitchy or emotional or tired you hear it, "Are YOU pregnant?" If you scratch your belly or cough funny you hear it, "ARE YOU PREGNANT!" You greet your friend with "Hi," instead of your usual, "hello," and you must be pregnant. Seriously, what other explanation could there be for liking chocolate covered bacon? You MUST be pregnant! There is nothing more annoying than being asked this question when you are NOT pregnant. And there is also nothing more annoying, than being asked this question when you ARE pregnant!
The, "ARE YOU PREGNANT?" epidemic crosses conversational boundaries and shows poor Q and A etiquette. It might actually be on the "top 10" list of most inappropriate questions asked by human beings. Now I know some people might be thinking, "What is wrong with that question? Its harmless?" You're right, asking about someone's possible procreation is probably not harmful-just a headache, a pain in the ass, annoying, frustrating and stupid.
Harsh? NO. You see, that litte "+" sign on the prego test, evokes a realm of emotions, mostly good, manic, happy, crazy emotions; but sometimes not such enthusiastic emotions. Regardless of the evoked emotions, the new Prego will make her grand announcement to the world when she so chooses. She may announce it to every single person she meets, literally 5 mins after that little "+" sign appears. She may use a blow horn, or bounce into every room she enters announcing the news in a song. Or, she may choose to wait a bit. She may feel cautious and want to take time. She may decide she wants to chill and let it all sink in. She might just want to wait before she makes her grand proclamation for a wide range or reasons (use your imagination).
So back off! If you didn't hear it through the grapevine or see "baby on board" on her t shirt, or hear the words come out of her mouth, then she's probably NOT pregnant-or she does not really want you to know. Either way, don't ask.
Now if we are talking your BFF, or your sister, or whoever that you have VIP status with, these rules do not apply to you. Of course VIP status provides an exception to the rule because VIPS have no rules! However, lowly acquaintances, surface level friends, mid level friends, mere citizens, illegal aliens, co-workers, and strangers must abide by the rules.
And NO, I am NOT pregnant.
Apparently pregnancy is the answer, reason, excuse, and explanation for everything. If you eat an interesting food combination that others completely find repulsing you hear it, "Are you PREGNANT?" If you feel bitchy or emotional or tired you hear it, "Are YOU pregnant?" If you scratch your belly or cough funny you hear it, "ARE YOU PREGNANT!" You greet your friend with "Hi," instead of your usual, "hello," and you must be pregnant. Seriously, what other explanation could there be for liking chocolate covered bacon? You MUST be pregnant! There is nothing more annoying than being asked this question when you are NOT pregnant. And there is also nothing more annoying, than being asked this question when you ARE pregnant!
The, "ARE YOU PREGNANT?" epidemic crosses conversational boundaries and shows poor Q and A etiquette. It might actually be on the "top 10" list of most inappropriate questions asked by human beings. Now I know some people might be thinking, "What is wrong with that question? Its harmless?" You're right, asking about someone's possible procreation is probably not harmful-just a headache, a pain in the ass, annoying, frustrating and stupid.
Harsh? NO. You see, that litte "+" sign on the prego test, evokes a realm of emotions, mostly good, manic, happy, crazy emotions; but sometimes not such enthusiastic emotions. Regardless of the evoked emotions, the new Prego will make her grand announcement to the world when she so chooses. She may announce it to every single person she meets, literally 5 mins after that little "+" sign appears. She may use a blow horn, or bounce into every room she enters announcing the news in a song. Or, she may choose to wait a bit. She may feel cautious and want to take time. She may decide she wants to chill and let it all sink in. She might just want to wait before she makes her grand proclamation for a wide range or reasons (use your imagination).
So back off! If you didn't hear it through the grapevine or see "baby on board" on her t shirt, or hear the words come out of her mouth, then she's probably NOT pregnant-or she does not really want you to know. Either way, don't ask.
Now if we are talking your BFF, or your sister, or whoever that you have VIP status with, these rules do not apply to you. Of course VIP status provides an exception to the rule because VIPS have no rules! However, lowly acquaintances, surface level friends, mid level friends, mere citizens, illegal aliens, co-workers, and strangers must abide by the rules.
And NO, I am NOT pregnant.
Jun 14, 2009
Mom Peeve #4: Touching bellies that don't belong to you.
Mom Peeve #4: People that forget their kindergarten manners.
Pregnant ladies, puppies, and babies-what do these three have in common? People lose all common sense when in the company of one or more of the above.
Everyday you engage with strangers at the grocery store, walking to work, running errands, eating in restaurants, etc. Everyday you keep your hands to yourself. Everyday that is, until a prego walks into the room. Everyone wants to rub her belly like a lucky charm. People reach out as they boldly, and inappropriately ask, "When are you due?" Or better yet sometimes they preface this question with, "Wow! You're huge!" Do NOT do this. Rubbing prego bellies, and touching tiny baby hands that inevitably will be going into tiny baby mouths with your germy stranger hands is not ok! VIP belly touchers do exist, but chances are, you are not on the VIP list of the pregnant lady you small talked with in line at Target. Belly touching etiquette 101 states that "it is inappropriate to touch pregnant bellies, unless the Prego herself invites you to feel the bump, the baby kicking, or rub her belly for good luck."
In a previous life I taught small children. One of our class rules included, "keep your hands in your own space." Violators often partook in tapping, pinching, tickling, pushing, or a plain lack of spacial boundaries. It would not surprise me to learn that these early childhood spacial violators grew up to be prego/baby space violators.
Bottom line: Kindergarten rules still apply, they do not expire: Do not interrupt, respect others, treat others like you would like to be treated, and please keep your hands in your own space.
Everyday you engage with strangers at the grocery store, walking to work, running errands, eating in restaurants, etc. Everyday you keep your hands to yourself. Everyday that is, until a prego walks into the room. Everyone wants to rub her belly like a lucky charm. People reach out as they boldly, and inappropriately ask, "When are you due?" Or better yet sometimes they preface this question with, "Wow! You're huge!" Do NOT do this. Rubbing prego bellies, and touching tiny baby hands that inevitably will be going into tiny baby mouths with your germy stranger hands is not ok! VIP belly touchers do exist, but chances are, you are not on the VIP list of the pregnant lady you small talked with in line at Target. Belly touching etiquette 101 states that "it is inappropriate to touch pregnant bellies, unless the Prego herself invites you to feel the bump, the baby kicking, or rub her belly for good luck."
In a previous life I taught small children. One of our class rules included, "keep your hands in your own space." Violators often partook in tapping, pinching, tickling, pushing, or a plain lack of spacial boundaries. It would not surprise me to learn that these early childhood spacial violators grew up to be prego/baby space violators.
Bottom line: Kindergarten rules still apply, they do not expire: Do not interrupt, respect others, treat others like you would like to be treated, and please keep your hands in your own space.
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