Mom Peeve #15 Parents who forgot to dress their kids

Mom Peeve #15 Kids in public wearing pajamas...sometimes accompanied by parents also wearing pajamas.

Today I had the pleasure of visiting my local Bureau of Motor Vehicles branch with my children and documents to prove my identity for an id. Really exciting. The only thing I forgot was to bring my children decked out in pajamas. Apparently that is what you do in the afternoon on a trip to the BMV. I saw at least 7 children, spread over 4 families, ranging in age from baby to 7 year old all in full on pjs. Now I'm not trying to get all judgy or anything, but come on? 11:45 am in the winter, in public is an appropriate time to wear clothes I think. 

And these afternoon pajama wearing children pop up other places too: Walmart (no brainer), the grocery store, restaurants, even the mall. In general I think leaving the house should warrant a wardrobe change. Unless you are so stealth and put your whole family to bed in sweat suits that are unidentifiable as pajamas-you too mom-otherwise its time for a costume change.

Exceptions for children wearing pajamas in public:

1. Tiny babies up to age 3 months. Still not ideal.
2. Taking your kids to school very early accompanied by non-school age children straight to school, drop off, and straight back.
3. You need to leave for the airport at 3am so you scoop your children out of bed. You plan on changing them into clothes as soon as they are conscious.
4. Your house burns down, or a natural disaster hits and you must evacuate in the middle of the night.
5. You are attending some type of "wear your pajamas to ____" event. These annoy me still.
6. You or someone in your family must be rushed to the hospital while everyone is still in pajamas.

FULL DISCLOSURE:
I have been known to wear the same pair of yoga pants for 48 hours straight. During that time I typically went nowhere. And if happened to venture out, nobody knew about my secret record marathon pants wearing session because they were black pants.

Mom Peeve #14 Is it really that PINTERESTING?

Mom Peeve # 14 Pinterest Peeve countdown.

Some people may make a list of New Years Resolutions. And some people might just make a list of annoying things about Pinterest. Maybe I'll make a board about it! 

So Pinterest is great. A quick definition for those of you with giant question marks above your heads. Pinterest is like visual bookmarking. You create "pins" to put in things in various categories that act as your cork "boards" of likes or ideas. You might pin recipes, DIY projects, fashion trends you like, good books, funny pictures, etc. You get the point. Now that you are thoroughly excited about Pinterest like the rest of the world-since it seems the ENTIRE facebook world is migrating over to Pinterest lately-I'll tell it to you straight. Here's what you should keep in mind if you are joining Pinterest.

7 Personal Pinterest Peeves 

1. Hey trigger finger, step away from your computer and stop pinning! Every image you come across on the web is NOT pin worthy. These are the people who have 45,000 boards, 23,000,000 pins and if you are "following" them, you might have to scroll down for at least 10 minutes before you come across another person's pin, because they are pincrazy.
2. Pinterest, I don't know who Maria Khnuzesky is, but I don't like any of her boards, I don't want to cook everything Vegan, I don't care about collecting seals, and I don't want to create an entire board of toilettes, UNFOLLOW. Sometimes Pinterest likes to slip some follows in there they think you might especially like. Well Pinterest, I don't like. Clearly you don't know me well enough yet. We need to work on getting to know eachother better. 
3. The BEST pin of all. Has anyone noticed how people attach "The Best" to something and people go nuts? This is especially true with recipes. I love how many of "The Best _____" recipes get pinned and repinned. Most people pinning these recipes will not even try the recipe, they just love the picture. Because if they did try the recipe, they'd see that "The Best ____" is not actually the best, I should know. Because I make "The Best __________."
4. The EASIEST pin of all. These are the pins floating around dubbed as "The easiest _____." If a person took time to investigate some of these pins, she might see that the pin for "The Easiest Felted Santa Claus ornament" actually takes 8 hours. Uh...we know Santa is easy, but a project that takes 8 hours is not.
5. People who claim, "Oh man, you are going to SO be addicted to pinterest once you start! Hehehehe." Shut up. Really? Because I am on pinterest and I pinned some things for a few days straight, over a period of 8 minutes, then I created zero pins for 5 days. Gasp! Maybe if you are a super spazz on speed you'll become addicted to pinterest, or you could just exercise some discipline.
6. Everyone in the WHOLE world migrating to Pinterest. This is just how things are. Trends catch on, people get curious. Just know pinterest newbies, even if we are "friends" on facebook, I will not be following you if you create zero boards, or if you create super lame boards. No hurt feelings.
7. SIGH. And now my biggest pinterest peeve. The assumption that because I made something cute, creative, or tasty it MUST have come from Pinterest! "Wow, did you find that on Pinterest? Hehe." No. "What a great idea? Pinterest?" No. "That's a great recipe. You must have pinned it to your tasty desserts board?" NO! I know this is a mind boggling concept for the uncreative, but people can actually create things from their own inspirations around them or natural creativity. Amazing concept I know. And believe it or not, things I did find inspiring on the web before Pinterest, I "bookmarked" the old fashioned way. Wow. And most incredible of all, I actually create some projects, and gifts for people from my own mind! Crazy! So STOP asking me if I found it on Pinterest or I'll stick a pin in you.

Disclaimer: I LIKE Pinterest. I think its great. I dislike annoying things people do on Pinterest.

A condensed version for you Blog Skimmers:

Mom Peeve #13 What to expect from every idiot out there after you're done expecting.

Mom Peeve # 13 There is the book in my head, What Every Moron is Expecting after you'r done Expecting. 

Most moms will come into contact with the book, What to Expect when You're Expecting. There are a series of the these books for what to expect the first year, second year, etc. But there's NOT a book about what everyone else expects of YOU. I thought I'd take a moment to share 10 of these expectations:

1. Expect that people will tell you, "You look so gorgeous!" In you hospital photos minutes after a baby came out of your body. While this is sweet, you and I both know you look like a hot mess.
2. Expect that people will tell you your baby is gorgeous in photos that were taken minutes after your baby came out of your body. While this is also sweet and you love your baby, you and I both know he looks like a cross between a pug and an old person at the moment. 
3. Expect that people will ask you many times over, "How are you feeling?" Well, a baby just literally dove out of my body so...
4. Expect that people will ask, "Is he/she sleeping through the night?" two weeks after you are home. Expect that you might want to respond, "No you idiot, she's not. Thanks for reminding me how little sleep I am getting."
5. Expect that some people will say, "You look tired." Uh, yeah. That's because I AM tired. I sleep in 3 hour stretches. Thanks! Captain Obvious. 
6. Expect that people may want to bring you meals. While this definitely can be a wonderful thing, expect that you might eat the best lasagna of your life, and the worst lasagna of your life, and that you will eat lasagna at least 3 times. 
7. Expect that old ladies you don't know will touch your babies hand, and even be so ballsy as to kiss your baby when you are in public. Be on guard for the granny swoop in.
8. Expect that at least one person will ask when you are due...while you are holding your 3 month old baby. To which you will reply, "Well, I was due 3 months ago, and here's the baby that came out."
9. Expect that lots of people will ask you when you're out and about, "Awe. How old is he?" To which you will reply the age, to which they will blankly stare at you and then the awkward moment will end. Its like people have the internal need to ask how old babies and puppies are and that's it.
10. And now my absolute favorite: Expect that people will want to know if and when you will be "expecting" in the future. Expect that people will want to know if you will be having more children literally hours after you expanded your family. Expect that this question will come in a variety of flavors: 

"So you guys think you're gonna try for a boy?"

"Now you have 2 boys and a girl, are you gonna try for one more to make them even?"

"So do you think you guys are done?"

"Are you guys gonna keep going?"

"So do you think you'll have another?"

Seriously people. SERIOUSLY. I have been asked this question on more than one occasion. Uh, I'd like to at least let my uterus contract back to a normal size first if that's ok with you. With my last child I remember being asked when she was just a week old if we were gonna "try for one more." Hehehe! No idiot! We are not going to "try for one more" right now, do you see the tiny newborn in my hands? I think I'm set for a while.

I always wonder what people would say if I simply replied, "Well to be quite frank, my lady parts are on fire right now, I'm not looking to land anything in there any time soon. And after I do get accustomed to this new sleep deprivation and my lady parts are healed, and I'm back in the saddle, I don't even know when I'll start ovulating again. I'll be sure to let you know when my menstrual cycle returns and if I decide if I want to intentionally try to get pregnant when my husband and I have intercourse. Hope that's thorough enough for you. Thanks for asking.  

Mom Peeve #7: Shut the F. up!

Mom Peeve #7: The mom that needs her mouth washed out with soap...

Shut the f*&% up! Harsh? Yes. I would never shout that at you let alone my kid. Admittedly, I have never actually heard a mother spout that exact phrase. However, "You're ass is grass!!!" does ring a bell. I feel like it was just yesterday that I was laying out by the pool while mullet mom shouted those beautiful rhyming words across the pool at her son. Not only was his ass about to be grass-quite a puzzling process-but his mother also instructed him to "shut [his] pie hole!" Classy and sassy.

I thought I'd bring things down a notch to a peeve I feel we can all-well at least 90% of us-agree upon: Cussing at kids. Some people do, in fact, cuss, swear, whatever you want to call it, AT their kids. These kids in turn go to school and teach your kids new and exciting words and phrases to expand vocabularies. Thanks Sailor mouth mom for that contribution to my kids education. Maybe you can teach my kids about sex in a crass and crude way as well.

Now I don't cuss at my kids in public or private because I am better than these people. Just kidding! Well, not really, but I don't cuss at my kids, because I find it rude, mean, inappropriate, harmful, and ignorant. I am betting that you agree with me, and also feel like you are better than sailor mouth mom-you are probably right. Just kidding, we are all moms rowing this mother f-ing boat together, or whatever...

Seriously, the public cussing needs to stop. The private cussing at your kids should probably stop too, but lets tackle one swear word at a time. I have a love-hate relationship with Walmart. Actually, its more like a mostly hate relationship due to its "black hole-like" qualities. There seems to be an above average amount of parental cussing that occurs in "Wally World," otherwise known as "What the F World," for some kids. "Get your ass back over here!"appears to be the most popular phrase, followed by some God Ds," "S*%$ bombs," and "What the hells." There's nothing like seeing a mom yelling at AND cussing out her 5 year old. Special, dysfunctional, and memorable.

There's really not much more to say besides shut the hell up Sailor mouth mom. Stop cussing at your kid! Its rude to your kids, its rude to me and my kids, and its rude to the English language. I am serious when I say, WTF. Give it a rest.

Mom Peeve #6: STOP asking.

Mom Peeve #6: The epidemic that has spread throughout the country where every person and his or her mother (literally) think it is their right as a humans and US citizens to inappropriately ask if you are PREGNANT.

Apparently pregnancy is the answer, reason, excuse, and explanation for everything. If you eat an interesting food combination that others completely find repulsing you hear it, "Are you PREGNANT?" If you feel bitchy or emotional or tired you hear it, "Are YOU pregnant?" If you scratch your belly or cough funny you hear it, "ARE YOU PREGNANT!" You greet your friend with "Hi," instead of your usual, "hello," and you must be pregnant. Seriously, what other explanation could there be for liking chocolate covered bacon? You MUST be pregnant! There is nothing more annoying than being asked this question when you are NOT pregnant. And there is also nothing more annoying, than being asked this question when you ARE pregnant!

The, "ARE YOU PREGNANT?" epidemic crosses conversational boundaries and shows poor Q and A etiquette. It might actually be on the "top 10" list of most inappropriate questions asked by human beings. Now I know some people might be thinking, "What is wrong with that question? Its harmless?" You're right, asking about someone's possible procreation is probably not harmful-just a headache, a pain in the ass, annoying, frustrating and stupid.

Harsh? NO. You see, that litte "+" sign on the prego test, evokes a realm of emotions, mostly good, manic, happy, crazy emotions; but sometimes not such enthusiastic emotions. Regardless of the evoked emotions, the new Prego will make her grand announcement to the world when she so chooses. She may announce it to every single person she meets, literally 5 mins after that little "+" sign appears. She may use a blow horn, or bounce into every room she enters announcing the news in a song. Or, she may choose to wait a bit. She may feel cautious and want to take time. She may decide she wants to chill and let it all sink in. She might just want to wait before she makes her grand proclamation for a wide range or reasons (use your imagination).

So back off! If you didn't hear it through the grapevine or see "baby on board" on her t shirt, or hear the words come out of her mouth, then she's probably NOT pregnant-or she does not really want you to know. Either way, don't ask.

Now if we are talking your BFF, or your sister, or whoever that you have VIP status with, these rules do not apply to you. Of course VIP status provides an exception to the rule because VIPS have no rules! However, lowly acquaintances, surface level friends, mid level friends, mere citizens, illegal aliens, co-workers, and strangers must abide by the rules.

And NO, I am NOT pregnant.

Mom Peeve #4: Touching bellies that don't belong to you.

Mom Peeve #4: People that forget their kindergarten manners.

Pregnant ladies, puppies, and babies-what do these three have in common? People lose all common sense when in the company of one or more of the above.

Everyday you engage with strangers at the grocery store, walking to work, running errands, eating in restaurants, etc. Everyday you keep your hands to yourself. Everyday that is, until a prego walks into the room. Everyone wants to rub her belly like a lucky charm. People reach out as they boldly, and inappropriately ask, "When are you due?" Or better yet sometimes they preface this question with, "Wow! You're huge!" Do NOT do this. Rubbing prego bellies, and touching tiny baby hands that inevitably will be going into tiny baby mouths with your germy stranger hands is not ok! VIP belly touchers do exist, but chances are, you are not on the VIP list of the pregnant lady you small talked with in line at Target. Belly touching etiquette 101 states that "it is inappropriate to touch pregnant bellies, unless the Prego herself invites you to feel the bump, the baby kicking, or rub her belly for good luck."

In a previous life I taught small children. One of our class rules included, "keep your hands in your own space." Violators often partook in tapping, pinching, tickling, pushing, or a plain lack of spacial boundaries. It would not surprise me to learn that these early childhood spacial violators grew up to be prego/baby space violators.

Bottom line: Kindergarten rules still apply, they do not expire: Do not interrupt, respect others, treat others like you would like to be treated, and please keep your hands in your own space.

Mom Peeve #2: The kid that's a little bitch.

Mom Peeve #2: The kid that needs a good punch in the face, because he/she rubs your nerves raw.

Harsh? Not really. Every mom knows a kid that is a little bitch-boy or girl. 

You know, the kid that pushes your kid down when the moms are chatting it up.

The kid that sits at the top of the slide and blocks the other kids, but refuses to go down and yells when other kids try to go down ahead of him. 

The kid that trips over a twig and bursts into the most obnoxious wimp cry. 

The kid that steals the dolly out of your child’s arms. 

The kid that’s a brat, hoards toys, picks on other kids, and cries bloody murder when someone barely brushes up against him or her. 

The kid that’s loud with a grating voice that makes you want to shout, “Will someone shut that damn kid up!” 

He is the kid that you actually want to punch in the face-you actually enjoy pushing him away from your child. She is the kid you hope will not be at the gathering you are attending, and when she is there, you cuss in your head-or out loud. And when she magically does not appear to be at your shin-dig, you celebrate. Lastly, this kid comes with an annoying name most of the time. Do you know the kid I am talking about? If you can’t think of one, you might just be the proud owner of that kid. 

In that case, keep your kid away from my kid.