Mom Peeve #11 The Homeless Hangout

Mom Peeve #11 The homeless hangout, otherwise known as your public library.

I am not a total heartless bitch. My middle name is not elitist. I just don't get why all of the homeless and a little freaky looking people have to sit right outside the public library. OK, maybe I am a tad elitist.

I really do believe in loving people. Hell, I have even sprung for a few chicken biscuits in my day for the homeless guy with the sign on the corner outside the McDonalds.

There's just something about walking into the library, small children in hand, and seeing a dirty and creepy looking man following you in with his eyes. I usually just go about my business, and crack a half smile to break the awkwardness. On our last venture to the library my little one started waving wildly at all the homeless and or creepy people loitering outside the library-not the subtlety I was going for, but what can I say the girl's got charisma and heart.

Did I mention smoking, strange odors, and weird loud talk and staring accompany such people outside the library?I know I am not perfect and I have no perfect solutions to solve the problem of homelessness. I am an imperfect person with peeves.

Its just that we frequent the library quite often and awkward is not always fun to do with kids especially if nonsense and profanity are serenading our entrance into the library. Regardless of the insanity that ensues, my daughter smiles and waves at whoever is sitting on the long stone bench. Maybe that little wave brightens some one's day, so maybe its not that bad after all. I'm just saying, can we switch up the loitering outside the library for some naps in tube slides at a less frequented park? I am willing to compromise.

Mom Peeve #10: Good night already!...

Mom Peeve #10: Children + 9:00 PM + playing 2 inches outside my window loudly = annoying.

I don't think I'm Scrooge and I do not hate kids. I do not hate kids playing outside. In fact, I love children playing outside-most of the time. It reminds me of the good old days when I was 10 years old, dragging a gaudy red suitcase down the street, jam packed with dress up clothes and my grandmother's hideous and ridiculously bright negligees for the neighborhood posse to try on....

I grew up in a neighborhood where we all played in each other's backyards, we all gathered regularly to play ball games, dress up, teacher, you name it, we played it-even hooker one time...well, not really...we just put on trashy make-up and tube tops for mini skirts. Everyone needs to wear more makeup than a clown at some point. Here's the thing, and there is always a "thing." My house apparently posses a large magnetic power for attracting loud, shoeless children who congregate very closely to my house around 8:00, 8:30, 9:00pm at night and on. I swear these children are actually yelling to one another over my house. Some of them are in my back yard which runs into a common areas. Some of the children are in the street in the front of my house. They are literally yelling things to one anther with one obstacle in their way-my house.

These details might be a tad dramatic, but I swear, yes swear, every night they are running around yelling outside at 9:15 PM. Now I am not trying to get all "night-time Nazi" on anyone's ass, but when I have 2 small children in bed closer to 8:00PM or earlier, yelling kid voices from the unknown do not help my bedtime quest.

Now I am not proposing a universal bedtime of 8:00PM sharp, just asking that parents start reeling in those kids around that time, or at least keep them penned up in their respective yards and out of my yard. Just because it stays light until 9:27 PM in the summer, does not mean I want to hear Charlie yelling to his sister Sarah to "WAIT UP!!!" 5 inches from my house at that exact time.

And a side note: I know fireworks, bottle rockets, and all that shit are a whole lot of fun, but it is freaking the first week in August. The 4th of July was a month ago, why don't you catch that firecracker train next year. Can we keep those out of my backyard too please? I think that's all for now. The only fireworks I want to see people shooting off past July 5 are ones that form smiley faces and cowboy hats.

Giddy Up.

Mom Peeve #9 Deforestation HIGHLY recommended!

Mom Peeve #9: The mom who refuses to trim her garden...and takes it to the public pool.

Deforestation is greatly needed at the public pool. No, I am not talking about the rainforests and I am not suggesting we cut down all the trees surrounding the public pool. I am talking personal hygiene here people. I am talking "deforesting" your body, particularly the regions of your body that might require a sensor bar due to a lack of grooming on your part.

I am sorry to be harping on the public pool again. Actually, I am not harping on the pool, you see the public pool and me, we're all good. The people AT the pool, in public, we are not so good. Let's get right to it. I'm at the public pool yesterday and a mom sits down next to me, and not just any mom. This mom looked as if she had not shaved her legs since 1973, and in the meantime, sprinkled miracle grow on those legs for maximum hair growth. Dark black hairy legs, hairier than any man's at the pool that day, possibly Guinness Book worthy. I immediately turned away in horror, but took a double take, and triple take, and so on.

I am by no means the shave police. I don't shave my legs every singe day, and sometimes a full week goes by in between shaves-gasp! I'm not about to issue any tickets or blow my life guard whistle from back in the day for minor shave infractions. Now I know you might be thinking, "Who cares? Some women don't shave their legs, whatever." Ok, I will give you that. I would prefer women in bathing suits not look like they are wearing velcro legwarmers, but some people like a little static electricity when they enter the pool. If that's where this story ended I would end my rant.

Oh, but the rant goes on. The situation at hand, not exactly a minor infraction. For when the Velcro Violator stood up, she looked like she had the Amazon Rainforest growing from...well I think you know what I am getting at...down under, in her Australia. OK, now I have a major problem, because a minor deforestation-or lack of deforestation issue, now turned into a grooming/hygiene issue.

Now I don't want to beat a dead horse here, or wave electric razors or hedge trimmers around wildly. I'll just leave you with this reminder: Nobody wants to see anybody with a very hairy Australia at the pool.

Mom Peeve #8: PS-The public pool is PUBLIC!

Mom Peeve #8: Puking at the pool is not ok. Getting back into the pool after puking, is a crime punishable by banishment from all community pools forever!

Floating bandaids, hair, and unidentified objects are a MUST in every public pool. I mean, what do you expect when you get a random assortment of members of a community, take off most of their clothes, revealing more skin than you ever desired to see on many individuals, and throw them in a big bowel of water together?

The public pool is a fascinating beast. Everyone knows kids pee in the public pool. You like to live in denial and tell yourself the chlorine automatically zaps pee and annihilates it. Let's just keep believing that. Occasionally you see a kid with nachos on his face come barreling into the pool. Gross. Or you witness the sweatiest, hairiest dad of the day lunge into the pool, thus rinsing off and feeling quite refreshed, while you are left feeling quite the opposite. I confess I rarely rinse off before I get in the pool. Even though everyone in the universe knows you are supposed to take a "full shower" before you immerse your body into the community summer sanctuary, I think approximately 1% of pool goers actually abide by this unenforced rule.

So here's the thing, I get that the public pool is the water "melting pot" of the town. The public pool takes "community" to the max. However, there are some limits you must acknowledge as a US citizen and community pool participant. Seriously, your citizenship and pool membership should be revoked if you do not abide by certain unspoken rules.

I did not envision myself "peeving" this particular post, but today's public pool experience presented a necessity for just this post. Today, at approximately 12:45 pm, a very large woman, threw up a very large quantity of puke, covering a very large quantity of space-including a patch of the cement roughly 15 ft from the pool's edge, a flower bush, my friend's foot, and part of her daughter's foot. Sick. Sadly, I did not actually witness this public etiquette violation, as it was relayed to me by my friend, the "puked on" victim. Disgusting? Yes. Unfortunate? Yes. An accident? Yes. While being grossed out, I sympathized for the unfortunate Puker. However, my sympathy immediately vanished as the Public Puker waded herself right back into the pool! This I witnessed, first hand. In disbelief and confusion I stared at this woman hoping she would receive my message via ESP requesting her to evacuate. She did not get the message.

I felt violated. I felt like screaming, "VIOLATION! VIOLATION!" This is NOT OK public pool etiquette. If you puke in public, at the pool, on people please refrain from resuming any and all pool activities. If you feel this request to be unreasonable you can take it up with me via email or we can take it outside.

Mom Peeve #7: Shut the F. up!

Mom Peeve #7: The mom that needs her mouth washed out with soap...

Shut the f*&% up! Harsh? Yes. I would never shout that at you let alone my kid. Admittedly, I have never actually heard a mother spout that exact phrase. However, "You're ass is grass!!!" does ring a bell. I feel like it was just yesterday that I was laying out by the pool while mullet mom shouted those beautiful rhyming words across the pool at her son. Not only was his ass about to be grass-quite a puzzling process-but his mother also instructed him to "shut [his] pie hole!" Classy and sassy.

I thought I'd bring things down a notch to a peeve I feel we can all-well at least 90% of us-agree upon: Cussing at kids. Some people do, in fact, cuss, swear, whatever you want to call it, AT their kids. These kids in turn go to school and teach your kids new and exciting words and phrases to expand vocabularies. Thanks Sailor mouth mom for that contribution to my kids education. Maybe you can teach my kids about sex in a crass and crude way as well.

Now I don't cuss at my kids in public or private because I am better than these people. Just kidding! Well, not really, but I don't cuss at my kids, because I find it rude, mean, inappropriate, harmful, and ignorant. I am betting that you agree with me, and also feel like you are better than sailor mouth mom-you are probably right. Just kidding, we are all moms rowing this mother f-ing boat together, or whatever...

Seriously, the public cussing needs to stop. The private cussing at your kids should probably stop too, but lets tackle one swear word at a time. I have a love-hate relationship with Walmart. Actually, its more like a mostly hate relationship due to its "black hole-like" qualities. There seems to be an above average amount of parental cussing that occurs in "Wally World," otherwise known as "What the F World," for some kids. "Get your ass back over here!"appears to be the most popular phrase, followed by some God Ds," "S*%$ bombs," and "What the hells." There's nothing like seeing a mom yelling at AND cussing out her 5 year old. Special, dysfunctional, and memorable.

There's really not much more to say besides shut the hell up Sailor mouth mom. Stop cussing at your kid! Its rude to your kids, its rude to me and my kids, and its rude to the English language. I am serious when I say, WTF. Give it a rest.

Mom Peeve #6: STOP asking.

Mom Peeve #6: The epidemic that has spread throughout the country where every person and his or her mother (literally) think it is their right as a humans and US citizens to inappropriately ask if you are PREGNANT.

Apparently pregnancy is the answer, reason, excuse, and explanation for everything. If you eat an interesting food combination that others completely find repulsing you hear it, "Are you PREGNANT?" If you feel bitchy or emotional or tired you hear it, "Are YOU pregnant?" If you scratch your belly or cough funny you hear it, "ARE YOU PREGNANT!" You greet your friend with "Hi," instead of your usual, "hello," and you must be pregnant. Seriously, what other explanation could there be for liking chocolate covered bacon? You MUST be pregnant! There is nothing more annoying than being asked this question when you are NOT pregnant. And there is also nothing more annoying, than being asked this question when you ARE pregnant!

The, "ARE YOU PREGNANT?" epidemic crosses conversational boundaries and shows poor Q and A etiquette. It might actually be on the "top 10" list of most inappropriate questions asked by human beings. Now I know some people might be thinking, "What is wrong with that question? Its harmless?" You're right, asking about someone's possible procreation is probably not harmful-just a headache, a pain in the ass, annoying, frustrating and stupid.

Harsh? NO. You see, that litte "+" sign on the prego test, evokes a realm of emotions, mostly good, manic, happy, crazy emotions; but sometimes not such enthusiastic emotions. Regardless of the evoked emotions, the new Prego will make her grand announcement to the world when she so chooses. She may announce it to every single person she meets, literally 5 mins after that little "+" sign appears. She may use a blow horn, or bounce into every room she enters announcing the news in a song. Or, she may choose to wait a bit. She may feel cautious and want to take time. She may decide she wants to chill and let it all sink in. She might just want to wait before she makes her grand proclamation for a wide range or reasons (use your imagination).

So back off! If you didn't hear it through the grapevine or see "baby on board" on her t shirt, or hear the words come out of her mouth, then she's probably NOT pregnant-or she does not really want you to know. Either way, don't ask.

Now if we are talking your BFF, or your sister, or whoever that you have VIP status with, these rules do not apply to you. Of course VIP status provides an exception to the rule because VIPS have no rules! However, lowly acquaintances, surface level friends, mid level friends, mere citizens, illegal aliens, co-workers, and strangers must abide by the rules.

And NO, I am NOT pregnant.

Mom Peeve #5: What happened to the bad and the ugly?

When fellow moms only talk about the good. Can we get a little more bad and ugly please?

As you know by now, I like to reference my time spent in "Pregnancy I and II." I entered the hospital two separate times as a prego and walked out a new mommy. I took two tiny bundles of cuteness home, with perfectly shaped heads, wearing adorable "going home" outfits. But before leaving the hospital, I learned new and exciting things. I learned about disposable underwear. I used the largest maxi pads ever created. I put ice packs in places I never knew icepacks could go. I developed a new definition for "frontal flashing" while nurses checked out the "situation" down below. I learned that when your "milk comes in," it does not do so calmly and quietly. It breaks down the door of those milk ducts and says, "Here I am bitches!" I got a glimpse at a life with breast implants the size of regulation size footballs. All these delightful lessons made up my initiation into "motherhood" and saluted me in my first 48 hours as a new mom. I don't recall any of those delightful lessons being referenced before I entered the hospital by the seasoned mom community. Instead it was something like, "Just wait until you see your baby's face for the first time!" Yea, that was great and all...it was amazing to see my baby's face for the first time...but could I have gotten a little more heads up on the rest ladies?


During time spent in the "Pregnancy I," I heard over and over again, "You are going to just LOVE being a mom!" I don't recall hearing, "You are just going to LOVE the ice packs they give you in the hospital for your crotch!" In all seriousness, I did love the crotch packs.


Of course I love being a mom. But can we get real for a second here ladies? I love talking about the real deal of pregnancy, motherhood, and kids. I love talking about the insanity of childbirth-particularly my insanity, the things that suck, annoying stuff, the crazy, messy, chaos of being a mom.


I am intrigued that every woman who is the proud owner of children has most likely birthed some babies, experienced actual childbirth, and spent many nights entirely sleep deprived and crazy. Yet there are moms walking amongst other moms feeling alone, guilty, beat up, like they are the only ones who aren't thrilled about sleeping in 3 hour segments with a newborn, like they are the only ones with a newborn that's pissed to be out of the womb, like they are the only one with a house that gets trashed, or the only ones wearing yoga pants all day, everyday. I am here to tell you that I love being a mom. But I HATED waking up every three hours to feed my adorable baby. My baby number 2 was pissed at the world for a good 4.5 months and that sucked. My children have the ability to trash the living room faster than an actual tornado. And I proudly wear a large collection of yoga pants most days.


Bottom line: Let's get a little more real here. Everybody knows that babies are cute, there's no love like the love you feel for your children, childbirth is a miracle, and that you are going to just LOVE being a mom. Not everyone knows about the disposable panties, what happens when a baby goes #2 for the first time in the hospital, how insane you will be feeling during the sleep deprivation months, and how nursing takes some practice.

For real.

Mom Peeve #4: Touching bellies that don't belong to you.

Mom Peeve #4: People that forget their kindergarten manners.

Pregnant ladies, puppies, and babies-what do these three have in common? People lose all common sense when in the company of one or more of the above.

Everyday you engage with strangers at the grocery store, walking to work, running errands, eating in restaurants, etc. Everyday you keep your hands to yourself. Everyday that is, until a prego walks into the room. Everyone wants to rub her belly like a lucky charm. People reach out as they boldly, and inappropriately ask, "When are you due?" Or better yet sometimes they preface this question with, "Wow! You're huge!" Do NOT do this. Rubbing prego bellies, and touching tiny baby hands that inevitably will be going into tiny baby mouths with your germy stranger hands is not ok! VIP belly touchers do exist, but chances are, you are not on the VIP list of the pregnant lady you small talked with in line at Target. Belly touching etiquette 101 states that "it is inappropriate to touch pregnant bellies, unless the Prego herself invites you to feel the bump, the baby kicking, or rub her belly for good luck."

In a previous life I taught small children. One of our class rules included, "keep your hands in your own space." Violators often partook in tapping, pinching, tickling, pushing, or a plain lack of spacial boundaries. It would not surprise me to learn that these early childhood spacial violators grew up to be prego/baby space violators.

Bottom line: Kindergarten rules still apply, they do not expire: Do not interrupt, respect others, treat others like you would like to be treated, and please keep your hands in your own space.

Mom Peeve #3: Half naked pregnant lady.

Mom Peeve #3: The prego who likes the bump flash a little too much...

First, let me say, I LOVE pregos. I am a veteran of "The Pregnancy I and II." I adore pregos with their cute little baby bumps. I empathize with the slow, sweaty, swollen waddling women, and I feel the pain of the ready to burst "to be mommies."And I REALLY feel the pain of the birthing mamas!

I love a good "look at me grow" flip book via facebook or whatever as much as the next lover of babies and moms. I myself, have created such a facebook album. Its all fine and dandy when you give us the profile shot, but when you hike that shirt up to your boobs to expose the largest belly most people will ever see shooting straight out over the top of the maternity jeans, its just too much. Too much naked, too much belly, too much! And when your belly button is doing freaky things, now you're just scaring people. Its not your fault, but all your facebook friends might like to see that massive bump inside your cutest motherhood top instead. All that naked is a little much at 20 weeks, a little more at 30, but 40 weeks + 2 days, and that's a LOT of skin. I remember scaring myself in the mirror when I was 40 weeks.

Before you get worked up, I truly believe a growing baby inside a mom to be amazing. But when your belly expands to the size of half your body, that's a whole lotta naked you're throwing out there!

So take your glowing, growing mama shots all you like, but keep your shirts on please, at least in public. If you need that naked belly shot with your husband's arms wrapped around you making a heart shape with his hands over your belly, fine. But after that, let's keep the shirts on. Actually this proves a great life lesson for all women pregnant and not. Let's keep the public nudity to a minimum.

Mom Peeve #2: The kid that's a little bitch.

Mom Peeve #2: The kid that needs a good punch in the face, because he/she rubs your nerves raw.

Harsh? Not really. Every mom knows a kid that is a little bitch-boy or girl. 

You know, the kid that pushes your kid down when the moms are chatting it up.

The kid that sits at the top of the slide and blocks the other kids, but refuses to go down and yells when other kids try to go down ahead of him. 

The kid that trips over a twig and bursts into the most obnoxious wimp cry. 

The kid that steals the dolly out of your child’s arms. 

The kid that’s a brat, hoards toys, picks on other kids, and cries bloody murder when someone barely brushes up against him or her. 

The kid that’s loud with a grating voice that makes you want to shout, “Will someone shut that damn kid up!” 

He is the kid that you actually want to punch in the face-you actually enjoy pushing him away from your child. She is the kid you hope will not be at the gathering you are attending, and when she is there, you cuss in your head-or out loud. And when she magically does not appear to be at your shin-dig, you celebrate. Lastly, this kid comes with an annoying name most of the time. Do you know the kid I am talking about? If you can’t think of one, you might just be the proud owner of that kid. 

In that case, keep your kid away from my kid.

Peeve #1 Public Sicko

Mom Peeve #1: Bringing your sicko, snotty nosed coughing kids to optional mingling mom/child activities to cough on other children and rub snot all over well children, particularly my well children.

Fact: Kids get sick.
Fact: It sucks when your kids get sick.
Fact: It sucks when someone's EXTREMELY visible sicko kid gives your kid a headlock bear hug and coughs in your kid's face.

I KNOW kids get sick, believe me I KNOW. Mine were recently sick for what felt like an eternity with what felt like a month long pig flu, bird flu, and duck flu all combined. Sometimes you can't help it when your kids get sick. Snot, coughs, and fevers do not stop life. You can't help it when you absolutely have to run to Target for toilette paper, deodorant, and milk and you HAVE to bring along your snotty entourage.

Here's what you CAN help-bringing your snotty, nasty, dirty, coughing sicko kids to playdates. Recently I attended an informal, very optional, gathering of moms, children, and babies. On arriving I was greeted by the rattling cough of a smoker-oh wait, it just sounded like a smoker, it was actually a sick 3 year old girl with a runny nose, and an intense cough. "What the HELL?!" I thought. I steered by 3 year old away from the sick child her own age, and eyed the germ culprit. After a little chit chat, I glanced down to see my whimpering 1.5 year old in a headlock hug. The headlock hug was extra special because it came complete with germs, a dirty child her same age, a green snotty nose, and special love cough right in my once well child's face. I wanted to toss this sweet little sicko child to the side and announce that her mother officially sucked and should get ready to get her ass kicked if my kid got sick after that little display. Instead I gently nudged little Nasty away, and scooped up my baby for detox. What was Sicko Mom's response, "Oh, she just loves babies." "Yeah she must also love WWF based on that headlock, what the hell lady!" is what I really wanted to shout in place of my fake half ass smile. After 2 more attempted hulk hugs by the sickest child I have seen in public in a while, I was ready to bolt. Thankfully, Sicko Mom read my mind-well, not really-and headed out with her peeps.

And so I say this lovingly as one mom to another...seriously, get you shit together moms. Do not unnecessarily expose the entire well population of your town to your child's germs. And if you do need to make that emergency store run in the midst of hacking and snotty children; at least try to disguise them as healthy, give them candy so they won't cough, keep your distance, your eyes down, and bust your ass to get in and out of that Target.