Jan 23, 2012

Mom Peeve #18 Valentinesdaydrugstorefail

I'll make this short and sweet or savory. I don't actually care a whole lot about Valentine's Day. However, I do care about all the lost souls who will venture into Walgreens, CVS, __________ drugstore thinking,
Yeah, this is definitely the place to get my Sweat heart a gift! 

I know its misleading when the drugstore has 3 aisles jam packed with a sign that reads "Valentines Day Central." Unless you are a junior high, or high school boy, you really shouldn't be buying your lady something "special" from the drug store. That doesn't mean you have to go to Kay jewelers either...unless you want to of course I am sure your lady wouldn't complain. Think about actually writing something heartfelt, doing something heartfelt, or buy the girl a massage.
Can I get a witness?

Jan 11, 2012

Mom Peeve #17 Facebook Crimes

Mom Peeve #17 Seventeen crimes that are committed on facebook daily.

The Peeve Police have been patrolling. Its time to address the facebook peeves. These happen every day in plain sight. Let's hope that in acknowledging them, we might start the process of eliminating these social networking crimes. And if you have committed any of these, don't be embarrassed, just please don't be a repeat offender.
  1. Blurry, close up photos of large cuts, gashes, and that ingrown toenail Caption reads, "Does this look right to you?" NO it doesn't! It looks terribly wrong, and now thanks to FB timeline that toenail picture is huge and ingrained in my brain forever. 
  2. Overwritten status updates. These are the updates where you can actually imagine how long it took the "writer" to come up with something so "profound".
  3. Farmville and all other facebook gaming apps. No I don't want to harvest a virtual farm and no, I won't buy your bean crop so you can "unlock" more profitable vegetables.
  4. Everyone in your family wants you to "join their family tree." But guess what, they know you are in the family, and so do you, and so does the rest of your family! Isn't that enough?
  5. The facebook alter ego. This happens when you know someone in real life and think, "Hey I like John. John's cool." And then there is Facebook John and you think, "I can't stand Facebook John, he is so freaking obnoxious."
  6. Pointless photos and lots of them. Uh...did you mean to unload your whole memory card on to facebook with all those pointless pictures in between the 3 good ones? I guess you did...since you made an entire album to put them in called, "Havin' Fun."
  7. When what happens in the bathroom...ends up on facebook. Anything having to do with urine, feces, throw up, rashes. These are not social networking topics...or at least they shouldn't be. This applies to you, your child, and your dog.
  8. Lots of pictures of animals especially cats...doing things, thinking things, laying around, wearing hats, etc. No thanks.
  9. Over enthusiastic people with lots of exclamations...all the time!!!!!!!!
  10. Old people. On facebook. Has anyone noticed how everyone's Grandma signs, "~Grandma" after all her comments. Like you didn't know it was Grandma...
  11. The "look what I did" album that is filled with horrible creations. You know it and I know it, but sadly she doesn't know it because EVERYONE keeps saying, "Wow that's great!"..."You are so talented"... "Beautiful" The same applies to horrible pictures people post of themselves. I am not saying we need to be mean, but stop encouraging, we don't want to see more of that.
  12. Too much naked preggo. I have addressed this before. But let me reiterate. Growing life is beautiful, pregnant portraits fine, but everyone on facebook does not need to see how much exactly your skin has expanded now that you are 31 weeks with a sensor bar across your chest.
  13. Baby facebook accounts. Mom and dad have their own facebook, but Baby Pricilla was born last month, and guess what? She has her own facebook! Yeah! Baby Pricilla just updated her status, "My tummy was upset tonight. I hope Mommy doesn't eat any more of that Chili." This should be illegal.
  14. Status update or blog? These are the status updates that could seriously have "Dear Diary," in front of them every day because they are so long and detailed. Get a blog or a xanga.
  15. When people are SO busy that they just have to take time to log into facebook, go to their home page, and update their status to tell everyone how busy they are today. In fact, they are so busy, they might just remind you "how swamped" they are and "crazy busy" at least 2 or 3 more times.
  16. New parent syndrome: The Play by Play. A and B have baby C. A and B update everyone on every single thing Baby C does to the point that you know how many wet and dry diapers she had today, and even saw a picture of her "first blowout".
  17. Out of control PDAS-Public Displays of Affection Status-style. Get a cyber room. 
Have more to add to the list? Don't be shy what are your peeves?

Jan 9, 2012

Mom Peeve #16 Mini Peeve Monday

Mom Peeve #16 Mini Peeve Monday:

Some things that are out of control.
1. People and their EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. People making bad food and then saying, "let me know if you want the recipe!" Hells no.
3. The disproportionate ratio of skin to clothing at Walmart.
4. My kids running their hands along the rails at the grocery store. Especially by the meat department. So gross.
5. The abnormal excitement people seem at have for the purse company 31.
6. Smokers who stand right outside the entrance to a store. I love it even more when its the employees. Classy.
7. Facebook gamers. Ah.
8. All my family and my extended family, and extended extended family wanting me to join their freaking family tree on facebook.
9. Little boys that look like girls because their moms have Sampson syndrome and develop the inability to get that first hair cut.
10. Car pool lines. Enough said.
11. Conversation bulldozers. That person who can talk longer and louder than everyone without taking a breath and can just bulldoze over the next poor soul that tries to jump into the discussion.

What is out of control and on your mind today?

Jan 4, 2012

Mom Peeve #15 Parents who forgot to dress their kids

Mom Peeve #15 Kids in public wearing pajamas...sometimes accompanied by parents also wearing pajamas.
Today I had the pleasure of visiting my local Bureau of Motor Vehicles branch with my children and documents to prove my identity for an id. Really exciting. The only thing I forgot was to bring my children decked out in pajamas. Apparently that is what you do in the afternoon on a trip to the BMV. I saw at least 7 children, spread over 4 families, ranging in age from baby to 7 year old all in full on pjs. Now I'm not trying to get all judgy or anything, but come on? 11:45 am in the winter, in public is an appropriate time to wear clothes I think. 

And these afternoon pajama wearing children pop up other places too: Walmart (no brainer), the grocery store, restaurants, even the mall. In general I think leaving the house should warrant a wardrobe change. Unless you are so stealth and put your whole family to bed in sweat suits that are unidentifiable as pajamas-you too mom-otherwise its time for a costume change.

Exceptions for children wearing pajamas in public:
1. Tiny babies up to age 3 months. Still not ideal.
2. Taking your kids to school very early accompanied by non-school age children straight to school, drop off, and straight back.
3. You need to leave for the airport at 3am so you scoop your children out of bed. You plan on changing them into clothes as soon as they are conscious.
4. Your house burns down, or a natural disaster hits and you must evacuate in the middle of the night.
5. You are attending some type of "wear your pajamas to ____" event. These annoy me still.
6. You or someone in your family must be rushed to the hospital while everyone is still in pajamas.

I have been known to wear the same pair of yoga pants for 48 hours straight. During that time I typically went nowhere. And if happened to venture out, nobody knew about my secret record marathon pants wearing session because they were black pants.

Jan 3, 2012

Mom Peeve #14 Is it really that PINTERESTING?

Mom Peeve # 14 Pinterest Peeve countdown.

Some people may make a list of New Years Resolutions. And some people might just make a list of annoying things about Pinterest. Maybe I'll make a board about it! 

So Pinterest is great. A quick definition for those of you with giant question marks above your heads. Pinterest is like visual bookmarking. You create "pins" to put in things in various categories that act as your cork "boards" of likes or ideas. You might pin recipes, DIY projects, fashion trends you like, good books, funny pictures, etc. You get the point. Now that you are thoroughly excited about Pinterest like the rest of the world-since it seems the ENTIRE facebook world is migrating over to Pinterest lately-I'll tell it to you straight. Here's what you should keep in mind if you are joining Pinterest.

7 Personal Pinterest Peeves 
  1. Hey trigger finger, step away from your computer and stop pinning! Every image you come across on the web is NOT pin worthy. These are the people who have 45,000 boards, 23,000,000 pins and if you are "following" them, you might have to scroll down for at least 10 minutes before you come across another person's pin, because they are pincrazy.
  2. Pinterest, I don't know who Maria Khnuzesky is, but I don't like any of her boards, I don't want to cook everything Vegan, I don't care about collecting seals, and I don't want to create an entire board of toilettes, UNFOLLOW. Sometimes Pinterest likes to slip some follows in there they think you might especially like. Well Pinterest, I don't like. Clearly you don't know me well enough yet. We need to work on getting to know eachother better. 
  3. The BEST pin of all. Has anyone noticed how people attach "The Best" to something and people go nuts? This is especially true with recipes. I love how many of "The Best _____" recipes get pinned and repinned. Most people pinning these recipes will not even try the recipe, they just love the picture. Because if they did try the recipe, they'd see that "The Best ____" is not actually the best, I should know. Because I make "The Best __________."
  4. The EASIEST pin of all. These are the pins floating around dubbed as "The easiest _____." If a person took time to investigate some of these pins, she might see that the pin for "The Easiest Felted Santa Claus ornament" actually takes 8 hours. Uh...we know Santa is easy, but a project that takes 8 hours is not.
  5. People who claim, "Oh man, you are going to SO be addicted to pinterest once you start! Hehehehe." Shut up. Really? Because I am on pinterest and I pinned some things for a few days straight, over a period of 8 minutes, then I created zero pins for 5 days. Gasp! Maybe if you are a super spazz on speed you'll become addicted to pinterest, or you could just exercise some discipline.
  6. Everyone in the WHOLE world migrating to Pinterest. This is just how things are. Trends catch on, people get curious. Just know pinterest newbies, even if we are "friends" on facebook, I will not be following you if you create zero boards, or if you create super lame boards. No hurt feelings.
  7. SIGH. And now my biggest pinterest peeve. The assumption that because I made something cute, creative, or tasty it MUST have come from Pinterest! "Wow, did you find that on Pinterest? Hehe." No. "What a great idea? Pinterest?" No. "That's a great recipe. You must have pinned it to your tasty desserts board?" NO! I know this is a mind boggling concept for the uncreative, but people can actually create things from their own inspirations around them or natural creativity. Amazing concept I know. And believe it or not, things I did find inspiring on the web before Pinterest, I "bookmarked" the old fashioned way. Wow. And most incredible of all, I actually create some projects, and gifts for people from my own mind! Crazy! So STOP asking me if I found it on Pinterest or I'll stick a pin in you.
Disclaimer: I LIKE Pinterest. I think its great. I dislike annoying things people do on Pinterest.

A condensed version for you Blog Skimmers:

Dec 22, 2011

Mom Peeve #13 What to expect from every idiot out there after you're done expecting.

Mom Peeve # 13 There is the book in my head, What Every Moron is Expecting after you'r done Expecting. 

Most moms will come into contact with the book, What to Expect when You're Expecting. There are a series of the these books for what to expect the first year, second year, etc. But there's NOT a book about what everyone else expects of YOU. I thought I'd take a moment to share 10 of these expectations:

  1. Expect that people will tell you, "You look so gorgeous!" In you hospital photos minutes after a baby came out of your body. While this is sweet, you and I both know you look like a hot mess.
  2. Expect that people will tell you your baby is gorgeous in photos that were taken minutes after your baby came out of your body. While this is also sweet and you love your baby, you and I both know he looks like a cross between a pug and an old person at the moment. 
  3. Expect that people will ask you many times over, "How are you feeling?" Well, a baby just literally dove out of my body so...
  4. Expect that people will ask, "Is he/she sleeping through the night?" two weeks after you are home. Expect that you might want to respond, "No you idiot, she's not. Thanks for reminding me how little sleep I am getting."
  5. Expect that some people will say, "You look tired." Uh, yeah. That's because I AM tired. I sleep in 3 hour stretches. Thanks! Captain Obvious. 
  6. Expect that people may want to bring you meals. While this definitely can be a wonderful thing, expect that you might eat the best lasagna of your life, and the worst lasagna of your life, and that you will eat lasagna at least 3 times. 
  7. Expect that old ladies you don't know will touch your babies hand, and even be so ballsy as to kiss your baby when you are in public. Be on guard for the granny swoop in.
  8. Expect that at least one person will ask when you are due...while you are holding your 3 month old baby. To which you will reply, "Well, I was due 3 months ago, and here's the baby that came out."
  9. Expect that lots of people will ask you when you're out and about, "Awe. How old is he?" To which you will reply the age, to which they will blankly stare at you and then the awkward moment will end. Its like people have the internal need to ask how old babies and puppies are and that's it.
  10. And now my absolute favorite: Expect that people will want to know if and when you will be "expecting" in the future. Expect that people will want to know if you will be having more children literally hours after you expanded your family. Expect that this question will come in a variety of flavors: 
"So you guys think you're gonna try for a boy?"

"Now you have 2 boys and a girl, are you gonna try for one more to make them even?"

"So do you think you guys are done?"

"Are you guys gonna keep going?"

"So do you think you'll have another?"

Seriously people. SERIOUSLY. I have been asked this question on more than one occasion. Uh, I'd like to at least let my uterus contract back to a normal size first if that's ok with you. With my last child I remember being asked when she was just a week old if we were gonna "try for one more." Hehehe! No idiot! We are not going to "try for one more" right now, do you see the tiny newborn in my hands? I think I'm set for a while.

I always wonder what people would say if I simply replied, "Well to be quite frank, my lady parts are on fire right now, I'm not looking to land anything in there any time soon. And after I do get accustomed to this new sleep deprivation and my lady parts are healed, and I'm back in the saddle, I don't even know when I'll start ovulating again. I'll be sure to let you know when my menstrual cycle returns and if I decide if I want to intentionally try to get pregnant when my husband and I have intercourse. Hope that's thorough enough for you. Thanks for asking.  

Hey Santa, I heard you were naughty this year.

Clearly I am not fond of Santa. However when milk chocolate candy Santa's are 70% off at the store before Christmas I have no problem stuffing them in my children's stockings.

Santa wipe that grin off your face, I know what you've been up to this year.

How do you like that Santa?