mompeeves

Mom Peeve #18 Valentinesdaydrugstorefail

2012-01-23T20:49:00.000-08:00

I'll make this short and sweet or savory. I don't actually care a whole lot about Valentine's Day. However, I do care about all the lost souls who will venture into Walgreens, CVS, __________ drugstore thinking,
Yeah, this is definitely the place to get my Sweat heart a gift!

I know its misleading when the drugstore has 3 aisles jam packed with a sign that reads "Valentines Day Central." Unless you are a junior high, or high school boy, you really shouldn't be buying your lady something "special" from the drug store. That doesn't mean you have to go to Kay jewelers either...unless you want to of course I am sure your lady wouldn't complain. Think about actually writing something heartfelt, doing something heartfelt, or buy the girl a massage.
Can I get a witness?

Mom Peeve #17 Facebook Crimes

2012-01-11T21:32:00.000-08:00

Mom Peeve #17 Seventeen crimes that are committed on facebook daily.

The Peeve Police have been patrolling. Its time to address the facebook peeves. These happen every day in plain sight. Let's hope that in acknowledging them, we might start the process of eliminating these social networking crimes. And if you have committed any of these, don't be embarrassed, just please don't be a repeat offender.

Blurry, close up photos of large cuts, gashes, and that ingrown toenail Caption reads, "Does this look right to you?" NO it doesn't! It looks terribly wrong, and now thanks to FB timeline that toenail picture is huge and ingrained in my brain forever.
Overwritten status updates. These are the updates where you can actually imagine how long it took the "writer" to come up with something so "profound".
Farmville and all other facebook gaming apps. No I don't want to harvest a virtual farm and no, I won't buy your bean crop so you can "unlock" more profitable vegetables.
Everyone in your family wants you to "join their family tree." But guess what, they know you are in the family, and so do you, and so does the rest of your family! Isn't that enough?
The facebook alter ego. This happens when you know someone in real life and think, "Hey I like John. John's cool." And then there is Facebook John and you think, "I can't stand Facebook John, he is so freaking obnoxious."
Pointless photos and lots of them. Uh...did you mean to unload your whole memory card on to facebook with all those pointless pictures in between the 3 good ones? I guess you did...since you made an entire album to put them in called, "Havin' Fun."
When what happens in the bathroom...ends up on facebook. Anything having to do with urine, feces, throw up, rashes. These are not social networking topics...or at least they shouldn't be. This applies to you, your child, and your dog.
Lots of pictures of animals especially cats...doing things, thinking things, laying around, wearing hats, etc. No thanks.
Over enthusiastic people with lots of exclamations...all the time!!!!!!!!
Old people. On facebook. Has anyone noticed how everyone's Grandma signs, "~Grandma" after all her comments. Like you didn't know it was Grandma...
The "look what I did" album that is filled with horrible creations. You know it and I know it, but sadly she doesn't know it because EVERYONE keeps saying, "Wow that's great!"..."You are so talented"... "Beautiful" The same applies to horrible pictures people post of themselves. I am not saying we need to be mean, but stop encouraging, we don't want to see more of that.
Too much naked preggo. I have addressed this before. But let me reiterate. Growing life is beautiful, pregnant portraits fine, but everyone on facebook does not need to see how much exactly your skin has expanded now that you are 31 weeks with a sensor bar across your chest.
Baby facebook accounts. Mom and dad have their own facebook, but Baby Pricilla was born last month, and guess what? She has her own facebook! Yeah! Baby Pricilla just updated her status, "My tummy was upset tonight. I hope Mommy doesn't eat any more of that Chili." This should be illegal.
Status update or blog? These are the status updates that could seriously have "Dear Diary," in front of them every day because they are so long and detailed. Get a blog or a xanga.
When people are SO busy that they just have to take time to log into facebook, go to their home page, and update their status to tell everyone how busy they are today. In fact, they are so busy, they might just remind you "how swamped" they are and "crazy busy" at least 2 or 3 more times.
New parent syndrome: The Play by Play. A and B have baby C. A and B update everyone on every single thing Baby C does to the point that you know how many wet and dry diapers she had today, and even saw a picture of her "first blowout".
Out of control PDAS-Public Displays of Affection Status-style. Get a cyber room.

Have more to add to the list? Don't be shy what are your peeves?

Mom Peeve #16 Mini Peeve Monday

2012-01-09T18:55:00.000-08:00

Mom Peeve #16 Mini Peeve Monday:

Some things that are out of control.
1. People and their EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. People making bad food and then saying, "let me know if you want the recipe!" Hells no.
3. The disproportionate ratio of skin to clothing at Walmart.
4. My kids running their hands along the rails at the grocery store. Especially by the meat department. So gross.
5. The abnormal excitement people seem at have for the purse company 31.
6. Smokers who stand right outside the entrance to a store. I love it even more when its the employees. Classy.
7. Facebook gamers. Ah.
8. All my family and my extended family, and extended extended family wanting me to join their freaking family tree on facebook.
9. Little boys that look like girls because their moms have Sampson syndrome and develop the inability to get that first hair cut.
10. Car pool lines. Enough said.
11. Conversation bulldozers. That person who can talk longer and louder than everyone without taking a breath and can just bulldoze over the next poor soul that tries to jump into the discussion.

What is out of control and on your mind today?

Mom Peeve #15 Parents who forgot to dress their kids

2012-01-04T10:52:00.000-08:00

Mom Peeve #15 Kids in public wearing pajamas...sometimes accompanied by parents also wearing pajamas.

Today I had the pleasure of visiting my local Bureau of Motor Vehicles branch with my children and documents to prove my identity for an id. Really exciting. The only thing I forgot was to bring my children decked out in pajamas. Apparently that is what you do in the afternoon on a trip to the BMV. I saw at least 7 children, spread over 4 families, ranging in age from baby to 7 year old all in full on pjs. Now I'm not trying to get all judgy or anything, but come on? 11:45 am in the winter, in public is an appropriate time to wear clothes I think.

And these afternoon pajama wearing children pop up other places too: Walmart (no brainer), the grocery store, restaurants, even the mall. In general I think leaving the house should warrant a wardrobe change. Unless you are so stealth and put your whole family to bed in sweat suits that are unidentifiable as pajamas-you too mom-otherwise its time for a costume change.

Exceptions for children wearing pajamas in public:

1. Tiny babies up to age 3 months. Still not ideal.
2. Taking your kids to school very early accompanied by non-school age children straight to school, drop off, and straight back.
3. You need to leave for the airport at 3am so you scoop your children out of bed. You plan on changing them into clothes as soon as they are conscious.
4. Your house burns down, or a natural disaster hits and you must evacuate in the middle of the night.
5. You are attending some type of "wear your pajamas to ____" event. These annoy me still.
6. You or someone in your family must be rushed to the hospital while everyone is still in pajamas.

FULL DISCLOSURE:
I have been known to wear the same pair of yoga pants for 48 hours straight. During that time I typically went nowhere. And if happened to venture out, nobody knew about my secret record marathon pants wearing session because they were black pants.

Mom Peeve #14 Is it really that PINTERESTING?

2012-01-03T10:52:00.000-08:00

Mom Peeve # 14 Pinterest Peeve countdown.

Some people may make a list of New Years Resolutions. And some people might just make a list of annoying things about Pinterest. Maybe I'll make a board about it!

So Pinterest is great. A quick definition for those of you with giant question marks above your heads. Pinterest is like visual bookmarking. You create "pins" to put in things in various categories that act as your cork "boards" of likes or ideas. You might pin recipes, DIY projects, fashion trends you like, good books, funny pictures, etc. You get the point. Now that you are thoroughly excited about Pinterest like the rest of the world-since it seems the ENTIRE facebook world is migrating over to Pinterest lately-I'll tell it to you straight. Here's what you should keep in mind if you are joining Pinterest.

7 Personal Pinterest Peeves

Hey trigger finger, step away from your computer and stop pinning! Every image you come across on the web is NOT pin worthy. These are the people who have 45,000 boards, 23,000,000 pins and if you are "following" them, you might have to scroll down for at least 10 minutes before you come across another person's pin, because they are pincrazy.
Pinterest, I don't know who Maria Khnuzesky is, but I don't like any of her boards, I don't want to cook everything Vegan, I don't care about collecting seals, and I don't want to create an entire board of toilettes, UNFOLLOW. Sometimes Pinterest likes to slip some follows in there they think you might especially like. Well Pinterest, I don't like. Clearly you don't know me well enough yet. We need to work on getting to know eachother better.
The BEST pin of all. Has anyone noticed how people attach "The Best" to something and people go nuts? This is especially true with recipes. I love how many of "The Best _____" recipes get pinned and repinned. Most people pinning these recipes will not even try the recipe, they just love the picture. Because if they did try the recipe, they'd see that "The Best ____" is not actually the best, I should know. Because I make "The Best __________."
The EASIEST pin of all. These are the pins floating around dubbed as "The easiest _____." If a person took time to investigate some of these pins, she might see that the pin for "The Easiest Felted Santa Claus ornament" actually takes 8 hours. Uh...we know Santa is easy, but a project that takes 8 hours is not.
People who claim, "Oh man, you are going to SO be addicted to pinterest once you start! Hehehehe." Shut up. Really? Because I am on pinterest and I pinned some things for a few days straight, over a period of 8 minutes, then I created zero pins for 5 days. Gasp! Maybe if you are a super spazz on speed you'll become addicted to pinterest, or you could just exercise some discipline.
Everyone in the WHOLE world migrating to Pinterest. This is just how things are. Trends catch on, people get curious. Just know pinterest newbies, even if we are "friends" on facebook, I will not be following you if you create zero boards, or if you create super lame boards. No hurt feelings.
SIGH. And now my biggest pinterest peeve. The assumption that because I made something cute, creative, or tasty it MUST have come from Pinterest! "Wow, did you find that on Pinterest? Hehe." No. "What a great idea? Pinterest?" No. "That's a great recipe. You must have pinned it to your tasty desserts board?" NO! I know this is a mind boggling concept for the uncreative, but people can actually create things from their own inspirations around them or natural creativity. Amazing concept I know. And believe it or not, things I did find inspiring on the web before Pinterest, I "bookmarked" the old fashioned way. Wow. And most incredible of all, I actually create some projects, and gifts for people from my own mind! Crazy! So STOP asking me if I found it on Pinterest or I'll stick a pin in you.

Disclaimer: I LIKE Pinterest. I think its great. I dislike annoying things people do on Pinterest.

A condensed version for you Blog Skimmers:

Mom Peeve #13 What to expect from every idiot out there after you're done expecting.

2011-12-22T18:37:00.000-08:00

Mom Peeve # 13 There is the book in my head, What Every Moron is Expecting after you'r done Expecting.

Most moms will come into contact with the book, What to Expect when You're Expecting. There are a series of the these books for what to expect the first year, second year, etc. But there's NOT a book about what everyone else expects of YOU. I thought I'd take a moment to share 10 of these expectations:

Expect that people will tell you, "You look so gorgeous!" In you hospital photos minutes after a baby came out of your body. While this is sweet, you and I both know you look like a hot mess.
Expect that people will tell you your baby is gorgeous in photos that were taken minutes after your baby came out of your body. While this is also sweet and you love your baby, you and I both know he looks like a cross between a pug and an old person at the moment.
Expect that people will ask you many times over, "How are you feeling?" Well, a baby just literally dove out of my body so...
Expect that people will ask, "Is he/she sleeping through the night?" two weeks after you are home. Expect that you might want to respond, "No you idiot, she's not. Thanks for reminding me how little sleep I am getting."
Expect that some people will say, "You look tired." Uh, yeah. That's because I AM tired. I sleep in 3 hour stretches. Thanks! Captain Obvious.
Expect that people may want to bring you meals. While this definitely can be a wonderful thing, expect that you might eat the best lasagna of your life, and the worst lasagna of your life, and that you will eat lasagna at least 3 times.
Expect that old ladies you don't know will touch your babies hand, and even be so ballsy as to kiss your baby when you are in public. Be on guard for the granny swoop in.
Expect that at least one person will ask when you are due...while you are holding your 3 month old baby. To which you will reply, "Well, I was due 3 months ago, and here's the baby that came out."
Expect that lots of people will ask you when you're out and about, "Awe. How old is he?" To which you will reply the age, to which they will blankly stare at you and then the awkward moment will end. Its like people have the internal need to ask how old babies and puppies are and that's it.
And now my absolute favorite: Expect that people will want to know if and when you will be "expecting" in the future. Expect that people will want to know if you will be having more children literally hours after you expanded your family. Expect that this question will come in a variety of flavors:

"So you guys think you're gonna try for a boy?"

"Now you have 2 boys and a girl, are you gonna try for one more to make them even?"

"So do you think you guys are done?"

"Are you guys gonna keep going?"

"So do you think you'll have another?"

Seriously people. SERIOUSLY. I have been asked this question on more than one occasion. Uh, I'd like to at least let my uterus contract back to a normal size first if that's ok with you. With my last child I remember being asked when she was just a week old if we were gonna "try for one more." Hehehe! No idiot! We are not going to "try for one more" right now, do you see the tiny newborn in my hands? I think I'm set for a while.

I always wonder what people would say if I simply replied, "Well to be quite frank, my lady parts are on fire right now, I'm not looking to land anything in there any time soon. And after I do get accustomed to this new sleep deprivation and my lady parts are healed, and I'm back in the saddle, I don't even know when I'll start ovulating again. I'll be sure to let you know when my menstrual cycle returns and if I decide if I want to intentionally try to get pregnant when my husband and I have intercourse. Hope that's thorough enough for you. Thanks for asking.

Hey Santa, I heard you were naughty this year.

2011-12-22T17:52:00.000-08:00

Clearly I am not fond of Santa. However when milk chocolate candy Santa's are 70% off at the store before Christmas I have no problem stuffing them in my children's stockings.

Santa wipe that grin off your face, I know what you've been up to this year.

How do you like that Santa?

Mom Peeve # 12 Santa the fame whore

2011-12-20T19:47:00.000-08:00

Mom Peeve #12 Santa Claus wants to collect all the credit. Not at this house Santa.

First let me me acknowledge the amount of time that has passed since my last post. 2 years 4 months. Wow!

Now moving on to more important matters, like Santa Claus. I am so over Santa. Does he even have a middle name? How can you even trust someone without a middle name? Don't worry, I'm not going to start preaching about why Santa is not "the reason for the season." He is NOT the reason for the season, but that is irrelevant to my gripe with Santa. I have a real problem with Santa the fame whore. That's right people, I called Santa a whore. I take care of my children 12 months out of the year. He thinks he get's to show up for one night and collect all the glory for the amazing presents under my children's Christmas tree? I don't think so. Santa thinks he can walk around like he owns the joint,

"Leave me cookies! Don't forget the milk."

"Be good or I'll leave you coal...I see you when you're sleeping, I know when you're awake, so you better be good!"

"Send your mom downstairs so I can make out with her under the mistletoe...screw Mrs Claus what happens away from the North Pole, stays away from the North Pole."

Sorry Santa, I won't subject my kids to your dictatorship. I want my kids to know I am the gatekeeper to the gifts. I want them to know I am watching them to see if they are behaving, not some "Elf on the Shelf." I want them to know that I stay up late filling the stockings, which is why I deserve a hot cup of coffee on Christmas morning followed by lots of hugs and kisses and "I love you Mommys!". And I am the one who drove to 7 stores and stood in line numerous times to collect their gifts, not some overweight elderly man who is clearly diabetic and has a thing for moms.

More importantly, I am constant. I am staying here, year round, 24/7. Unlike Santa who will just be in for the night to buy every little good girl and boy's affection by showering them with gifts and collect his fame, then its peace out bitches! And why doesn't anyone acknowledge his sweat shop he runs with Elves?

And then there's this:

Apparently I missed the memo where it was fun to terrorize your kids. I'm not going to lie, I do think its a tad funny to see these photos pop up on facebook of what people have been subjecting their kids to. But uh, yea...the point is what exactly? "Don't worry honey, sit on this scary old man's lap, it will be fun."

And don't forget this:

Yea Santa, way to totally freak out the Christ Child. Do you know how much "Santa bowing to a the manger" shit is out there? Over 2,ooo,ooo images on google. Seriously. And Hobby Lobby? Shame on you. The only thing lamer than Santa himself is THIS.

If you haven't guessed by now, my children do NOT believe in Santa. Any glimmer of Santa hope that arises through commercialism I squash immediately. They know he's a "fun" (I consider this to be a rather kind description) pretend guy some kids like to believe in. But they know he's not showing up here. That's right. I hope you're listening Santa, you can take your morbidly obese self and your reindeer back to the North Pole where you came from. I've got this house covered.

Mom Peeve #11 The Homeless Hangout

2009-08-04T21:33:00.000-07:00

Mom Peeve #11 The homeless hangout, otherwise known as your public library.

I am not a total heartless bitch. My middle name is not elitist. I just don't get why all of the homeless and a little freaky looking people have to sit right outside the public library. OK, maybe I am a tad elitist.

I really do believe in loving people. Hell, I have even sprung for a few chicken biscuits in my day for the homeless guy with the sign on the corner outside the McDonalds.

There's just something about walking into the library, small children in hand, and seeing a dirty and creepy looking man following you in with his eyes. I usually just go about my business, and crack a half smile to break the awkwardness. On our last venture to the library my little one started waving wildly at all the homeless and or creepy people loitering outside the library-not the subtlety I was going for, but what can I say the girl's got charisma and heart.

Did I mention smoking, strange odors, and weird loud talk and staring accompany such people outside the library?I know I am not perfect and I have no perfect solutions to solve the problem of homelessness. I am an imperfect person with peeves.

Its just that we frequent the library quite often and awkward is not always fun to do with kids especially if nonsense and profanity are serenading our entrance into the library. Regardless of the insanity that ensues, my daughter smiles and waves at whoever is sitting on the long stone bench. Maybe that little wave brightens some one's day, so maybe its not that bad after all. I'm just saying, can we switch up the loitering outside the library for some naps in tube slides at a less frequented park? I am willing to compromise.

Mom Peeve #10: Good night already!...

2009-08-04T20:59:00.000-07:00

Mom Peeve #10: Children + 9:00 PM + playing 2 inches outside my window loudly = annoying.

I don't think I'm Scrooge and I do not hate kids. I do not hate kids playing outside. In fact, I love children playing outside-most of the time. It reminds me of the good old days when I was 10 years old, dragging a gaudy red suitcase down the street, jam packed with dress up clothes and my grandmother's hideous and ridiculously bright negligees for the neighborhood posse to try on....

I grew up in a neighborhood where we all played in each other's backyards, we all gathered regularly to play ball games, dress up, teacher, you name it, we played it-even hooker one time...well, not really...we just put on trashy make-up and tube tops for mini skirts. Everyone needs to wear more makeup than a clown at some point. Here's the thing, and there is always a "thing." My house apparently posses a large magnetic power for attracting loud, shoeless children who congregate very closely to my house around 8:00, 8:30, 9:00pm at night and on. I swear these children are actually yelling to one another over my house. Some of them are in my back yard which runs into a common areas. Some of the children are in the street in the front of my house. They are literally yelling things to one anther with one obstacle in their way-my house.

These details might be a tad dramatic, but I swear, yes swear, every night they are running around yelling outside at 9:15 PM. Now I am not trying to get all "night-time Nazi" on anyone's ass, but when I have 2 small children in bed closer to 8:00PM or earlier, yelling kid voices from the unknown do not help my bedtime quest.

Now I am not proposing a universal bedtime of 8:00PM sharp, just asking that parents start reeling in those kids around that time, or at least keep them penned up in their respective yards and out of my yard. Just because it stays light until 9:27 PM in the summer, does not mean I want to hear Charlie yelling to his sister Sarah to "WAIT UP!!!" 5 inches from my house at that exact time.

And a side note: I know fireworks, bottle rockets, and all that shit are a whole lot of fun, but it is freaking the first week in August. The 4th of July was a month ago, why don't you catch that firecracker train next year. Can we keep those out of my backyard too please? I think that's all for now. The only fireworks I want to see people shooting off past July 5 are ones that form smiley faces and cowboy hats.

Giddy Up.

Mom Peeve #9 Deforestation HIGHLY recommended!

2009-07-17T20:40:00.000-07:00

Mom Peeve #9: The mom who refuses to trim her garden...and takes it to the public pool.

Deforestation is greatly needed at the public pool. No, I am not talking about the rainforests and I am not suggesting we cut down all the trees surrounding the public pool. I am talking personal hygiene here people. I am talking "deforesting" your body, particularly the regions of your body that might require a sensor bar due to a lack of grooming on your part.

I am sorry to be harping on the public pool again. Actually, I am not harping on the pool, you see the public pool and me, we're all good. The people AT the pool, in public, we are not so good. Let's get right to it. I'm at the public pool yesterday and a mom sits down next to me, and not just any mom. This mom looked as if she had not shaved her legs since 1973, and in the meantime, sprinkled miracle grow on those legs for maximum hair growth. Dark black hairy legs, hairier than any man's at the pool that day, possibly Guinness Book worthy. I immediately turned away in horror, but took a double take, and triple take, and so on.

I am by no means the shave police. I don't shave my legs every singe day, and sometimes a full week goes by in between shaves-gasp! I'm not about to issue any tickets or blow my life guard whistle from back in the day for minor shave infractions. Now I know you might be thinking, "Who cares? Some women don't shave their legs, whatever." Ok, I will give you that. I would prefer women in bathing suits not look like they are wearing velcro legwarmers, but some people like a little static electricity when they enter the pool. If that's where this story ended I would end my rant.

Oh, but the rant goes on. The situation at hand, not exactly a minor infraction. For when the Velcro Violator stood up, she looked like she had the Amazon Rainforest growing from...well I think you know what I am getting at...down under, in her Australia. OK, now I have a major problem, because a minor deforestation-or lack of deforestation issue, now turned into a grooming/hygiene issue.

Now I don't want to beat a dead horse here, or wave electric razors or hedge trimmers around wildly. I'll just leave you with this reminder: Nobody wants to see anybody with a very hairy Australia at the pool.

Mom Peeve #8: PS-The public pool is PUBLIC!

2009-06-26T11:31:00.001-07:00

Mom Peeve #8: Puking at the pool is not ok. Getting back into the pool after puking, is a crime punishable by banishment from all community pools forever!

Floating bandaids, hair, and unidentified objects are a MUST in every public pool. I mean, what do you expect when you get a random assortment of members of a community, take off most of their clothes, revealing more skin than you ever desired to see on many individuals, and throw them in a big bowel of water together?

The public pool is a fascinating beast. Everyone knows kids pee in the public pool. You like to live in denial and tell yourself the chlorine automatically zaps pee and annihilates it. Let's just keep believing that. Occasionally you see a kid with nachos on his face come barreling into the pool. Gross. Or you witness the sweatiest, hairiest dad of the day lunge into the pool, thus rinsing off and feeling quite refreshed, while you are left feeling quite the opposite. I confess I rarely rinse off before I get in the pool. Even though everyone in the universe knows you are supposed to take a "full shower" before you immerse your body into the community summer sanctuary, I think approximately 1% of pool goers actually abide by this unenforced rule.

So here's the thing, I get that the public pool is the water "melting pot" of the town. The public pool takes "community" to the max. However, there are some limits you must acknowledge as a US citizen and community pool participant. Seriously, your citizenship and pool membership should be revoked if you do not abide by certain unspoken rules.

I did not envision myself "peeving" this particular post, but today's public pool experience presented a necessity for just this post. Today, at approximately 12:45 pm, a very large woman, threw up a very large quantity of puke, covering a very large quantity of space-including a patch of the cement roughly 15 ft from the pool's edge, a flower bush, my friend's foot, and part of her daughter's foot. Sick. Sadly, I did not actually witness this public etiquette violation, as it was relayed to me by my friend, the "puked on" victim. Disgusting? Yes. Unfortunate? Yes. An accident? Yes. While being grossed out, I sympathized for the unfortunate Puker. However, my sympathy immediately vanished as the Public Puker waded herself right back into the pool! This I witnessed, first hand. In disbelief and confusion I stared at this woman hoping she would receive my message via ESP requesting her to evacuate. She did not get the message.

I felt violated. I felt like screaming, "VIOLATION! VIOLATION!" This is NOT OK public pool etiquette. If you puke in public, at the pool, on people please refrain from resuming any and all pool activities. If you feel this request to be unreasonable you can take it up with me via email or we can take it outside.

Mom Peeve #7: Shut the F. up!

2009-06-22T22:03:00.000-07:00

Mom Peeve #7: The mom that needs her mouth washed out with soap...

Shut the f*&% up! Harsh? Yes. I would never shout that at you let alone my kid. Admittedly, I have never actually heard a mother spout that exact phrase. However, "You're ass is grass!!!" does ring a bell. I feel like it was just yesterday that I was laying out by the pool while mullet mom shouted those beautiful rhyming words across the pool at her son. Not only was his ass about to be grass-quite a puzzling process-but his mother also instructed him to "shut [his] pie hole!" Classy and sassy.

I thought I'd bring things down a notch to a peeve I feel we can all-well at least 90% of us-agree upon: Cussing at kids. Some people do, in fact, cuss, swear, whatever you want to call it, AT their kids. These kids in turn go to school and teach your kids new and exciting words and phrases to expand vocabularies. Thanks Sailor mouth mom for that contribution to my kids education. Maybe you can teach my kids about sex in a crass and crude way as well.

Now I don't cuss at my kids in public or private because I am better than these people. Just kidding! Well, not really, but I don't cuss at my kids, because I find it rude, mean, inappropriate, harmful, and ignorant. I am betting that you agree with me, and also feel like you are better than sailor mouth mom-you are probably right. Just kidding, we are all moms rowing this mother f-ing boat together, or whatever...

Seriously, the public cussing needs to stop. The private cussing at your kids should probably stop too, but lets tackle one swear word at a time. I have a love-hate relationship with Walmart. Actually, its more like a mostly hate relationship due to its "black hole-like" qualities. There seems to be an above average amount of parental cussing that occurs in "Wally World," otherwise known as "What the F World," for some kids. "Get your ass back over here!"appears to be the most popular phrase, followed by some God Ds," "S*%$ bombs," and "What the hells." There's nothing like seeing a mom yelling at AND cussing out her 5 year old. Special, dysfunctional, and memorable.

There's really not much more to say besides shut the hell up Sailor mouth mom. Stop cussing at your kid! Its rude to your kids, its rude to me and my kids, and its rude to the English language. I am serious when I say, WTF. Give it a rest.

Mom Peeve #6: STOP asking.

2009-06-18T21:54:00.000-07:00

Mom Peeve #6: The epidemic that has spread throughout the country where every person and his or her mother (literally) think it is their right as a humans and US citizens to inappropriately ask if you are PREGNANT.

Apparently pregnancy is the answer, reason, excuse, and explanation for everything. If you eat an interesting food combination that others completely find repulsing you hear it, "Are you PREGNANT?" If you feel bitchy or emotional or tired you hear it, "Are YOU pregnant?" If you scratch your belly or cough funny you hear it, "ARE YOU PREGNANT!" You greet your friend with "Hi," instead of your usual, "hello," and you must be pregnant. Seriously, what other explanation could there be for liking chocolate covered bacon? You MUST be pregnant! There is nothing more annoying than being asked this question when you are NOT pregnant. And there is also nothing more annoying, than being asked this question when you ARE pregnant!

The, "ARE YOU PREGNANT?" epidemic crosses conversational boundaries and shows poor Q and A etiquette. It might actually be on the "top 10" list of most inappropriate questions asked by human beings. Now I know some people might be thinking, "What is wrong with that question? Its harmless?" You're right, asking about someone's possible procreation is probably not harmful-just a headache, a pain in the ass, annoying, frustrating and stupid.

Harsh? NO. You see, that litte "+" sign on the prego test, evokes a realm of emotions, mostly good, manic, happy, crazy emotions; but sometimes not such enthusiastic emotions. Regardless of the evoked emotions, the new Prego will make her grand announcement to the world when she so chooses. She may announce it to every single person she meets, literally 5 mins after that little "+" sign appears. She may use a blow horn, or bounce into every room she enters announcing the news in a song. Or, she may choose to wait a bit. She may feel cautious and want to take time. She may decide she wants to chill and let it all sink in. She might just want to wait before she makes her grand proclamation for a wide range or reasons (use your imagination).

So back off! If you didn't hear it through the grapevine or see "baby on board" on her t shirt, or hear the words come out of her mouth, then she's probably NOT pregnant-or she does not really want you to know. Either way, don't ask.

Now if we are talking your BFF, or your sister, or whoever that you have VIP status with, these rules do not apply to you. Of course VIP status provides an exception to the rule because VIPS have no rules! However, lowly acquaintances, surface level friends, mid level friends, mere citizens, illegal aliens, co-workers, and strangers must abide by the rules.

And NO, I am NOT pregnant.

Mom Peeve #5: What happened to the bad and the ugly?

2009-06-16T09:29:00.000-07:00

When fellow moms only talk about the good. Can we get a little more bad and ugly please?

As you know by now, I like to reference my time spent in "Pregnancy I and II." I entered the hospital two separate times as a prego and walked out a new mommy. I took two tiny bundles of cuteness home, with perfectly shaped heads, wearing adorable "going home" outfits. But before leaving the hospital, I learned new and exciting things. I learned about disposable underwear. I used the largest maxi pads ever created. I put ice packs in places I never knew icepacks could go. I developed a new definition for "frontal flashing" while nurses checked out the "situation" down below. I learned that when your "milk comes in," it does not do so calmly and quietly. It breaks down the door of those milk ducts and says, "Here I am bitches!" I got a glimpse at a life with breast implants the size of regulation size footballs. All these delightful lessons made up my initiation into "motherhood" and saluted me in my first 48 hours as a new mom. I don't recall any of those delightful lessons being referenced before I entered the hospital by the seasoned mom community. Instead it was something like, "Just wait until you see your baby's face for the first time!" Yea, that was great and all...it was amazing to see my baby's face for the first time...but could I have gotten a little more heads up on the rest ladies?

During time spent in the "Pregnancy I," I heard over and over again, "You are going to just LOVE being a mom!" I don't recall hearing, "You are just going to LOVE the ice packs they give you in the hospital for your crotch!" In all seriousness, I did love the crotch packs.

Of course I love being a mom. But can we get real for a second here ladies? I love talking about the real deal of pregnancy, motherhood, and kids. I love talking about the insanity of childbirth-particularly my insanity, the things that suck, annoying stuff, the crazy, messy, chaos of being a mom.

I am intrigued that every woman who is the proud owner of children has most likely birthed some babies, experienced actual childbirth, and spent many nights entirely sleep deprived and crazy. Yet there are moms walking amongst other moms feeling alone, guilty, beat up, like they are the only ones who aren't thrilled about sleeping in 3 hour segments with a newborn, like they are the only ones with a newborn that's pissed to be out of the womb, like they are the only one with a house that gets trashed, or the only ones wearing yoga pants all day, everyday. I am here to tell you that I love being a mom. But I HATED waking up every three hours to feed my adorable baby. My baby number 2 was pissed at the world for a good 4.5 months and that sucked. My children have the ability to trash the living room faster than an actual tornado. And I proudly wear a large collection of yoga pants most days.

Bottom line: Let's get a little more real here. Everybody knows that babies are cute, there's no love like the love you feel for your children, childbirth is a miracle, and that you are going to just LOVE being a mom. Not everyone knows about the disposable panties, what happens when a baby goes #2 for the first time in the hospital, how insane you will be feeling during the sleep deprivation months, and how nursing takes some practice.

For real.

Mom Peeve #4: Touching bellies that don't belong to you.

2009-06-14T22:18:00.000-07:00

Mom Peeve #4: People that forget their kindergarten manners.

Pregnant ladies, puppies, and babies-what do these three have in common? People lose all common sense when in the company of one or more of the above.

Everyday you engage with strangers at the grocery store, walking to work, running errands, eating in restaurants, etc. Everyday you keep your hands to yourself. Everyday that is, until a prego walks into the room. Everyone wants to rub her belly like a lucky charm. People reach out as they boldly, and inappropriately ask, "When are you due?" Or better yet sometimes they preface this question with, "Wow! You're huge!" Do NOT do this. Rubbing prego bellies, and touching tiny baby hands that inevitably will be going into tiny baby mouths with your germy stranger hands is not ok! VIP belly touchers do exist, but chances are, you are not on the VIP list of the pregnant lady you small talked with in line at Target. Belly touching etiquette 101 states that "it is inappropriate to touch pregnant bellies, unless the Prego herself invites you to feel the bump, the baby kicking, or rub her belly for good luck."

In a previous life I taught small children. One of our class rules included, "keep your hands in your own space." Violators often partook in tapping, pinching, tickling, pushing, or a plain lack of spacial boundaries. It would not surprise me to learn that these early childhood spacial violators grew up to be prego/baby space violators.

Bottom line: Kindergarten rules still apply, they do not expire: Do not interrupt, respect others, treat others like you would like to be treated, and please keep your hands in your own space.

Mom Peeve #3: Half naked pregnant lady.

2009-06-13T21:31:00.000-07:00

Mom Peeve #3: The prego who likes the bump flash a little too much...

First, let me say, I LOVE pregos. I am a veteran of "The Pregnancy I and II." I adore pregos with their cute little baby bumps. I empathize with the slow, sweaty, swollen waddling women, and I feel the pain of the ready to burst "to be mommies."And I REALLY feel the pain of the birthing mamas!

I love a good "look at me grow" flip book via facebook or whatever as much as the next lover of babies and moms. I myself, have created such a facebook album. Its all fine and dandy when you give us the profile shot, but when you hike that shirt up to your boobs to expose the largest belly most people will ever see shooting straight out over the top of the maternity jeans, its just too much. Too much naked, too much belly, too much! And when your belly button is doing freaky things, now you're just scaring people. Its not your fault, but all your facebook friends might like to see that massive bump inside your cutest motherhood top instead. All that naked is a little much at 20 weeks, a little more at 30, but 40 weeks + 2 days, and that's a LOT of skin. I remember scaring myself in the mirror when I was 40 weeks.

Before you get worked up, I truly believe a growing baby inside a mom to be amazing. But when your belly expands to the size of half your body, that's a whole lotta naked you're throwing out there!

So take your glowing, growing mama shots all you like, but keep your shirts on please, at least in public. If you need that naked belly shot with your husband's arms wrapped around you making a heart shape with his hands over your belly, fine. But after that, let's keep the shirts on. Actually this proves a great life lesson for all women pregnant and not. Let's keep the public nudity to a minimum.

Mom Peeve #2: The kid that's a little bitch.

2009-06-05T20:42:00.000-07:00

Mom Peeve #2: The kid that needs a good punch in the face, because he/she rubs your nerves raw.

Harsh? Not really. Every mom knows a kid that is a little bitch-boy or girl.

You know, the kid that pushes your kid down when the moms are chatting it up.

The kid that sits at the top of the slide and blocks the other kids, but refuses to go down and yells when other kids try to go down ahead of him.

The kid that trips over a twig and bursts into the most obnoxious wimp cry.

The kid that steals the dolly out of your child’s arms.

The kid that’s a brat, hoards toys, picks on other kids, and cries bloody murder when someone barely brushes up against him or her.

The kid that’s loud with a grating voice that makes you want to shout, “Will someone shut that damn kid up!”

He is the kid that you actually want to punch in the face-you actually enjoy pushing him away from your child. She is the kid you hope will not be at the gathering you are attending, and when she is there, you cuss in your head-or out loud. And when she magically does not appear to be at your shin-dig, you celebrate. Lastly, this kid comes with an annoying name most of the time. Do you know the kid I am talking about? If you can’t think of one, you might just be the proud owner of that kid.

In that case, keep your kid away from my kid.

Peeve #1 Public Sicko

2009-06-04T21:40:00.000-07:00

Mom Peeve #1: Bringing your sicko, snotty nosed coughing kids to optional mingling mom/child activities to cough on other children and rub snot all over well children, particularly my well children.

Fact: Kids get sick.
Fact: It sucks when your kids get sick.
Fact: It sucks when someone's EXTREMELY visible sicko kid gives your kid a headlock bear hug and coughs in your kid's face.

I KNOW kids get sick, believe me I KNOW. Mine were recently sick for what felt like an eternity with what felt like a month long pig flu, bird flu, and duck flu all combined. Sometimes you can't help it when your kids get sick. Snot, coughs, and fevers do not stop life. You can't help it when you absolutely have to run to Target for toilette paper, deodorant, and milk and you HAVE to bring along your snotty entourage.

Here's what you CAN help-bringing your snotty, nasty, dirty, coughing sicko kids to playdates. Recently I attended an informal, very optional, gathering of moms, children, and babies. On arriving I was greeted by the rattling cough of a smoker-oh wait, it just sounded like a smoker, it was actually a sick 3 year old girl with a runny nose, and an intense cough. "What the HELL?!" I thought. I steered by 3 year old away from the sick child her own age, and eyed the germ culprit. After a little chit chat, I glanced down to see my whimpering 1.5 year old in a headlock hug. The headlock hug was extra special because it came complete with germs, a dirty child her same age, a green snotty nose, and special love cough right in my once well child's face. I wanted to toss this sweet little sicko child to the side and announce that her mother officially sucked and should get ready to get her ass kicked if my kid got sick after that little display. Instead I gently nudged little Nasty away, and scooped up my baby for detox. What was Sicko Mom's response, "Oh, she just loves babies." "Yeah she must also love WWF based on that headlock, what the hell lady!" is what I really wanted to shout in place of my fake half ass smile. After 2 more attempted hulk hugs by the sickest child I have seen in public in a while, I was ready to bolt. Thankfully, Sicko Mom read my mind-well, not really-and headed out with her peeps.

And so I say this lovingly as one mom to another...seriously, get you shit together moms. Do not unnecessarily expose the entire well population of your town to your child's germs. And if you do need to make that emergency store run in the midst of hacking and snotty children; at least try to disguise them as healthy, give them candy so they won't cough, keep your distance, your eyes down, and bust your ass to get in and out of that Target.